Chemical Romance
by tj-is-lazy
Summary: On Hiatus. For two years, Roxas has been drugged, raped, and has lost all interest in life. Roxas now has to deal with his forgotten past and unsure future, plus a new relationship. Rated for violence, abuse, rape, drugs, and adult themes. AxelXRoxas
1. Chapter 1

So I just thought of this story after a college lecture I had about drugs. The title is based off of the band My Chemical Romance. I thought it would be fitting seeing as Roxas in the story does drugs and what it how his love will blossom from. And drugs are nothing but chemicals, after all.

I hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know what you think.

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I can't remember the last time I cared. About anything. Probably because I'm always high on some sort of drug. Riku is the reason I do anything. I eat only when food is placed in front of me and I drink in the same fashion. I don't even shower without being told. Riku tells me when I get too gross for him to fuck, and I take a shower since it's easier to do what he says than try to protest. Not like I would protest because I don't care enough to. I don't protest take showers, not to the sex, and no to the drugs.

Riku is a drug dealer of Hollow Bastion. He found me living on the streets two years ago, when I was sixteen. I ran away from home, for reasons I don't even remember now. The drugs have made my memories hazy of my life before Riku. I knew I had a brother, Cloud, and parents. I probably had friends. My life was probably okay. I do remember when Riku found me, I still cared about things. I remember I used to cry, out of grief not because of drugs. I used to be happy. But I don't care anymore about what I was like. I'm just a shell now. Heartless, soulless. I am everything, less. But for some reason, Riku keeps me around. For sex mostly, I'd assume. Or for companionship since not many people want to hang around a drug dealer. Riku took me in and red me drugs, in return I give him sex and a body to sleep next too.

On any normal day, I just sit around this house and Riku keeps me alive by feeding me when he remembers and pumping me full of drugs. Being the dealer, he does how much he wants, since he makes more than enough dealing than it cost to buy the drugs. When he runs errands, it's depressants like heroin. When he's wants attention from me, its cocaine and ecstasy. He used to give me meth until I dug up my arms and legs trying to get the meth bugs out. He wants me presentable because he tells his suppliers fuck me for cheaper drugs. I don't care though, because I'm so drugged up. The drugs have taken all of my personality. I vaguely recall feeling something, I mean really feeling, not someone artificial chemical induced feeling. I used to get sad, not depressed. I used to be happy, instead of ecstatic. There was little range in my feelings, I was bored but content. Now, I'm indifferent. As long as my body gets the drugs and I don't go through withdrawals, I don't care. I only care about withdrawals because it's the most intense, agonizing pain I've ever been through. I prefer not being bothered by physically uncomfortable.

Even now, I can't seem to care. Or feel, emotional and a little physically. Riku is fucking me, plowing into me, while I'm bent over the side of the bed, doggy style. I feel the fullness of his cock but there's limited pleasure that comes with it. My breath is slightly faster than normal but that could be caused by the cocaine running through my system. I can feel every beat of my heart but the euphoria has already worn off. Riku injected me with it, since the high comes faster. But that also means in wares off faster. My arms slip from the bed, and my body falls onto the bed, than to the floor, ass first. I wince from the impact. If I could feel anything right now, I would laugh at the look on Riku's face. He's just stands there, naked, dick hard, with his hands out in front of me like he was still holding me. He looks really confused for a couple seconds and looks down at me. And I can't take it anymore, I laugh. Guess the cocaine hasn't worn off all the way. Riku doesn't think me falling is that funny because he grabs my arm and pulls me up so that I'm sitting on my knees.

"Fucking worthless piece of shit," He says as he pushed me until my back hits the side of the bed and he holds my chin so that I'm facing him. Riku squeezes my chin until my mouth pops open and as soon as it's open, he shoves his dick inside. I choke a little as he fills my mouth and hits the back of my throat but I start breathing through my nose and relax my mouth. He always decides to mouth fuck me whenever I piss him off, which is a lot lately. Some might call it rape but I really don't care if or how he fucks me. These drugs make me so numb to the world, no cares, no feelings. Riku grabs me by the sides of my face and starts thrusting faster into my mouth. There is spit and precum running down my chin but I can stop it because I have no room in my mouth to try to shallow with Riku's dick fill my mouth completely. He was well-endowed and I noticed my eyes had started to water from choking on his cock. Even if I didn't react emotionally, my body still reacted to it.

I don't even help him with the face fuck. I don't massage his balls or touch him in anyway other than with my mouth. Why bother? He's not going to cum any fast. The coke always makes him slow to cum. It also makes him moan like a bitch. Some people might get turned on by it but I really don't care. I haven't been aroused without the help of uppers in a long time. I don't even remember. Of course I do get off when I'm being fucked. My body just naturally responds. But it's hardly blissful. The drugs help, if I have enough. But after two years of continual usage, I have to take almost lethal amounts to feel anything good for a decent amount of time. Riku never gives me that much to begin with, just leftovers that are too little to sell in grams and ounces. The leftovers from the samples given to new clients wanting a taste before they buy some. I only get high enough to remember feelings when I'm about to get fucked by one of his suppliers, or if he scams the college kids into buying a little for a lot. We celebrate then by getting really fucked up and Riku will screw me until he passes out, regardless if I'm conscious. I've woken up to him pounding my ass. But I don't really care. As long as he feeds me enough drugs to chase away the withdrawals.

But sometimes I make Riku mad, by just being around mostly. I'll sit in front of the TV for hours, not seeing a thing. Or accidentally starve myself because the coke makes me forget to eat. Those times, when Riku is in one of his moods, he'll keep the drugs from me. He'll lock me away in the spare bedroom, coming in to feed me a couple times a day and to check to see if I'm alive. And then a withdrawal will hit and he will pull up a chair and watch me whither in pain. He watches with a grin on his face as my body convulses, desperately trying to get any sort of drug back. He watches me throw up until I am just dry heaving. And if I get anything on the floor, he makes me clean it up. He's sick. But I guess I must be sick too if I'm still here.

Riku finally cums deep into the back of my throat. I gag a little and try swallowing to prevent vomiting. I don't get it all and some runs down my already cum stained chin. I don't move to whip any of it away or to stand, or do anything for that matter. Riku is already in his jeans, buttoning them back up. As he puts on his shirt he looks down at me in disgust.

"Get up and get showered, you fucking whore," he says, staring me down. He won't leave until I move because he knows I won't do anything if he just leaves me. I'm so worthless, if I could care, I would hate myself. I'm debating whether to remove myself from the floor and take a shower or just sitting here and seeing what he does. I can feel the dried and drying cum and spit sticking to my chin and trailing onto my naked chest. It feels uncomfortable but not unbearable. My ass hurts from him fucking me so hard. I can feel that there is dried cum on there, probably blood too since he never bothers to stretch. I think he does it just to try and make me cry out, since I've silent except for my breathing. My whole body aches and I know the coke is almost completely worn off.

"You stupid bitch!" is all I get before Riku grabs me by the hair and yanks me forward. It hurts a lot and my hands fly out in front of me automatically to keep me from falling face first into the carpet. My knees get instant rug burn as he pulls me forward again, still by my hair until I'm away from the bed. He lets my hair go and I can't even hold myself up anymore and my body crashes into the floor.

"Ah…" I moan in pain when my face connects with the floor. Even carpet hurts when you flat out fall onto it. I try to pick myself up but as soon as I get my arms back underneath me, I receive a kick in my side. I immediately fall back to the floor, curling up to protect my side. I've done it now. He's going to kick my ass, literally, and then lock me up and wait for withdrawals. This happens all the time. You'd think I would learn but I guess I'm too dumb from the drugs to care. Another kick is delivered and my body tries to curl in on itself. Kick after kick, I lose count, the pain radiating in my side and my whole body screams in protest. I bite my lip from crying out because I know the sound will provoke him more. I taste liquid copper and realize it bit through my lip. My vision gets hazy and I feel like I'm going to throw up. My body becomes so heavy, even though it's on the floor and I pass out.

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Cliffhanger! Haha, so what do you think of it so far? I know it's short but this is just the beginning. Please review! xoxox traybay


	2. Chapter 2

Yay for the quick update. Chapter 3 won't be done for a little while. I have a lot of homework due on Monday, so I'm going to try to spend the rest of the weekend working on that. But I hope you enjoy this chapter. Please review.

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I wake up on a bed. I'm guessing I'm in the spare bedroom since the sheets aren't the same as the ones in Riku's room. These ones are rougher, cheaper since hardly anyone stays in here, except me. Slowly I try opening my eyes and feel the crusty stuff around the corners break away from the lids to allow for my eyes to open. My mouth taste like cums and morning breath which bothers me since it tastes gross. I squint against the light coming from the ceiling. Riku normally doesn't leave the light on when he puts me in here. My inner elbow itches on my right arm and I look down while scratching it and see a new track mark. Not sure where that came from. I stretch a little to assess the damages. Surprisingly, nothing hurts but I'm a little stiff. I roll over and pull myself across the bed so I'm closer to the bedside table. On it is a bottle of water, a pack of gum, a lighter, a pack of cigarettes and ash tray, two OxyContin pills, a granola and a note. I grab the water first, sitting up so I don't spill it down the front of me. I then rip open the pack of gum and stick two pieces in my mouth. The note is next. I actually do smile at the thought of Sora leaving me all this. He is the only on that can make me feel, even if it's just a little. He's one of Riku's sellers, trying to make money for his sick sister or something just as sickly sweet. Typical story of a seller, down on his luck, some sort of family problem that requires a lot of cash, fast. Riku has a knack for getting these kinds of people to do his selling out of home. Riku doesn't stand on street corners trying to sell a dime bag of weed. No, his operation is a lot bigger than that. Riku never makes a sell, unless it's in home, with someone important. Chief of police was in here last week, dropping a few Grants to score some heroin. Riku has sellers like Sora target the general public.

Sora is really nice to me and selling drug hasn't really hardened him in the way it has the others. He still smiles, genuinely, without the influence drugs. He doesn't normally take drugs, only when gets really down about his life. I think his sister has cancer and he's working to pay for her treatment. I'm not sure though since he always tells me bits of his life story when I'm either going through withdrawals or coked out of my mind. His note is cute. _Roxas, I cleaned you up and tended your ribs. I think you just have severe bruising and maybe a cracked rib but I don't think anything is broken. If you feel pain while reading this, something is probably broke. I shot you up with OCs when I left you, around 11am. So by the time you actually wake up, you'll probably need more so I left two more OCs for you. I'll be back around 5pm and I'll check on you then. Love__, Sora. _He's so nice, I don't deserve him but I'm not about to push him away. He keeps me clean. Hell, he's probably the one who found me and showered me. I can tell I've been bathed because my skin isn't sticky anymore from cum and spit and my hair feels clean. He also shot me up with OC which might not sound nice but I did get the shit kicked out of me last night, so it's a good thing. The only think about shooting up is my arm itches like crazy. Melt two OC down, let cool, put in needle and inject. A sudden rush of the best numbness but oddly it can't make my arm itch go away. I debate taking the two pretty rounds green pills with one facing up with OC on it and the other reading 80. I decide against taking them right now since I don't know when I'll be getting anymore.

My stomach grumbles with hunger and I grab with granola bar and start eating. The clock reads 3:45pm so I still have a little over an hour before Sora gets back. I know it's useless to try the door because it's always locked when I'm in this room. Sora for some reason has a key and Riku allows him to come see me most times, since no one can resist Sora's pout. Well, I can since most the time I don't care but something about Sora makes me hurt a little inside when I make him sad. So to avoid the uncomfortable feeling, I let Sora do whatever he wants, like spoon feed me, bathe me, coddle me, or whatever else he wants. He doesn't ever hurt me, so I guess it doesn't matter what I let him do. I have no shame. He could fuck me and I couldn't care. Well, at least for my sake. I don't want to ruin Sora by letting him fuck me. He's too innocent for that kind of thing, even if he is a street dealer. Oxy is one of the only drugs that makes me feel halfway human. Makes me think a lot and makes me want to do something, other than sit around. Too bad I'm locked in a room. I guess I'll just chain smoke until Sora gets here. When Riku refuses me drugs, I turn to cigarettes to ease the rate of withdrawals. I've gotten so used to smoking that I count time in cigarettes. One pack of 100's has twenty cigarettes, each cigarette takes me ten minutes to smoke, sitting down (if I'm standing I smoke fast by two to five minutes), so each pack has 200 minutes in it. And 200 minutes is 3 hours and 20 minutes. So if Sora won't be back until 5pm and it is now 3:50pm, I can chain smoke 7 cigarettes.

Before I start on smoking, I walk over to the bathroom that's attached to the room and take a piss. I catch a look at myself in the mirror and I look like death. My skin is pale and I have two black eyes. My hair is sticking up and odd angles, more so any normal. There's some bruising around my chin from where Riku was holding onto me last night. My checks seem hallow and I'm way to skinny. I'm so gross. I walk away from the mirror, grossed out by the sight of me. I make my way to the bed and shit cross legged near the night stand.

I grab the cigarettes and start packing them against my knee to the beat of OxyContin by Lil Wyte that I'm singing in my head. Halfway through the song, I which sides I'm packing on. When the song is done in my head I look at the clock. It's now 3:53. I rip the cellophane off the pack and open the top. I flip the middle cigarette for my lucky, I don't know why but I always have, and take the cigarette to the right of the lucky. I place it in my mouth and fumble with the lighter, trying to make flame. But my hands are shaking and I can't keep the lighter still enough so produce anything, so I grab one Oxy and pop it to make my hands steady. I lightly gum the butt of the cigarette until my hand steady. I light the end of the cigarette and inhale deeply. The smoke is smooth and cool in my lungs thanks to the menthol. I lie down against the pillows with the ash tray on my stomach and look at the clock. 3:59pm. Exhale. Only 6 cigarettes until Sora get back. I don't know why I even bother to keep track of it, it's not like we're going to do anything fun when he gets here. He's going to baby me and ask me what happened and I'll tell him and he'll scold me for making Riku made for nothing.

I take another deep inhale and hold it in as long as I can, while counting the seconds. I start coughing at ten seconds and I send the ash tray to the floor with my coughing fit. Fuck it's so far away but Riku will be more pissed if I ash on the bed. I lean over to grab the ash tray but I can quite reach it so I lean even farther. I feel myself falling from the bed just as I touch the ash tray. Fuck! I hit my face against the wooden floor and my elbows bounce against the surface loudly. I feel some mild pain in my ribs and my head kind of hurts. I grab blindly for the other Oxy and pop it. I just lay on the floor as my body slowly goes numb. The cigarette is still in between my fingers but I can't move my arm to hit it, so I watch it slowly burn out. A little ash falls but the hand with the cigarette is also the one with the ash tray so it doesn't matter. I watch the glowing ember until it's gone but I don't stop staring and I don't move from my position on the floor.

I hear the front door open and close. Has it been an hour? Time moves so much differently while high, I swear I've been on the floor for days. I try counting the footstep to the door but my mind doesn't want to concentrate on one thing for too long. Sora stops in front of the door and unlocks it. I roll my body so I'm lying on my back and I look at the door upside down as he walks in. He stops when he sees me than walks over to my side.

"You fell? Roxas you got to be more careful," he says. He scoops me up like a bride and lays me back on the bed. For a small boy he's pretty strong. But then again, I don't weight much since I'm skin and bones from the drugs. He's still scolding me but I'm not listening to the words. Instead I watch his face and notice for the umpteenth time that he is an attractive kid. Well, I guess he's not a kid since he told me he's 19, which is a year older than me. The Oxy has me loopy and happy and I want to share it with Sora. I reach out and touch his face. He stops talking and looks at me confused.

"You so pretty, So-ra," I tell him, dreamily. I feel really clammy and I can feel every heart beat, which seems to be so slow.

"You're high, Roxas." Sora says, pushing my hand away but I grab onto him again. He then talks my hand and holds it to the bed and I start giggling at his frustrated face.

"Pretty, pretty boy. Kiss me?" I don't know what I'm saying. The whole room except Sora starts to spin. "Ugh, make it stop." I say, pulling my hand away to hold it to my head.

"Make what stop? Tell me what's happening." Sora says, concern growing in his voice.

"The room, it's spinning around. I can't breathe, Sora, it's so hot." I close my eyes and I feel his hand on my face.

"Open your eyes, Roxas. Come on, please open them. I think you ODed. You got to open your eyes. You can't sleep." Sora starts to get panicky and starts slapping my face. I crack one eye. "I don't know what to do, Rox. I'm calling Riku."

This makes me open both eyes. "No, he'll be mad. I don't wanna go through withdrawals." I tried to grab the cell phone out of his hand but I didn't have enough energy to lift them up that high. I slumped back down onto the bed, feeling really weak all of a sudden. I only catch bits and pieces of Sora's conversation with Riku.

"Overdosed…where is it…hospital?...okay, I won't…but…okay…I'm…I will…bye," Sora hung up the phone and I could hear him leave the room. "I'll be right back, Roxas. Try to stay awake."

I try opening my eyes but I find it incredible difficult. I try to move any part of my body but I can't more than a few inches. My heart seems so slow, it takes so much time in between beat and my breathing is so shallow. Maybe I'll die. Would anyone miss me? Sora would, I'm sure. And Riku could miss being able to fuck me whenever, but he couldn't miss me. I wonder what he's do to my body. Sora walks back into the room.

"You still with me, Rox?" Sora asks, touching my face again.

"Ughhh…" is all I can say. My mouth isn't working anymore.

"Okay, don't try to talk. Just keep breathing." Sora has false confidence in his voice. "I'm going to give you some coke, okay? I'm going to inject it so you'll feel better sooner.

Liquid cocaine. Fuck Riku must be worried about me if he's sparing the good shit to make me better. Sora ties a tourniquet around my forearm and lays my arm straight. He traps my inner elbow, looking for a good vein.

"Okay, this is going to sting a little," Sora says. I feel the tip on the needle dig into my skin. It hurts but I'm used to the sting of the needle. Ouch, but the sting of to coke going into my bloodstream hurts some. But the effects…mmm I can already feel my heart quicken. Not as fast as normal injected coke high but it's up there. My body seems so weightless now. I open my eyes and try to focus on Sora but everything is blurry.

"Hiiiiii…." I say.

"Hi. Feeling better?" Sora asks.

"Mmmm," I say, letting a little smile slip onto my face.

"Riku is on his way home. He's not happy." Sora says. "I'll stay with you as long as I can." Sora gets on the bed and moves me around until my head in lying in his lap and he strokes me hair softly. I also fall asleep at his soft touches until I hear the front door open and then get slammed shut. Riku's home and pissed. Sora moves me onto the bed and jumps from the bed and runs to the door just as Riku flings it opens.

"Sora, get out of my way." Riku spits out.

"Just talk to me, in the living room for a second. Please, Riku." I can hear the pout in Sora's voice. This is a way to gauge Riku's mood. If he gives into Sora than by the time he deals with me, I'll be okay. If he tells Sora to fuck off than he will come close to killing me.

"Make it quick, Sora" Riku says and I hear him leave the room. I hear Sora follow him down the hall and into the living room. Their voices are muffed with the occasional word said loud enough for me to hear. I sit up and the room tilts a little before slowly sliding back into place. I brace my arms on my legs and take deep, slow breaths. My mind fog clears a little with each breath. Soon enough I feel normal again and I lift my head up. The room doesn't tilt this time. I see the pack of cigarettes from earlier and a take one and light it while I wait for Riku and Sora to come back. I check the clock and see that it is 7:13pm. When did it get so late? It seems like Sora just got here but apparently not. I take a hit of the cigarette and I let it out slowly as I hear footsteps coming back to the room. Sounds like Riku. I wonder where Sora is.

Riku steps into the room and shut the door softly before coming over to me and sitting by me. He takes the cigarette from my hand and takes a long hit from it. Exhale. I watch the smoke escape his mouth in little wisps. He still doesn't say anything. He nudges my hand and I take the cigarette back and take a hit. As I exhales he sighs and straights a bit before turning to me.

"You fucked up," Riku says.

"Yeah…sorry," I say, even though I'm not sorry. But it's easier than dealing with mad Riku.

"I'm leaving for a week to do business in Traverse Town tomorrow. You're not coming with me this time. Staying behind will be your punishment for ODing like a fucking rookie. And for last night. You fucking passed out like the little bitch you are before I even did anything damaging." Riku says, getting up. He takes the forgotten cigarette from my hand and takes one last hit from it before putting it out on my hand. I flinch away on reflex but he slaps me and grabs my hand back and holds the cherry onto my skin until it goes out. Satisfied, he throws the butt at me and digs in his pocket and produces a pill.

"Take this," He says, grabbing the water from the night stand and pushing the pill into my mouth. He holds the water bottle up to my lips and I take a drink. He makes me open my mouth to check to make sure I took the pill. After he makes sure it's down, he walks out of the room and locks the door. I look at the clock 7:19pm. He probably feed me a sleeping pill so he wouldn't have to deal with me until morning. I strip off my shirt and I get under the covers and wait for the pill to take effect.

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So there it is. Did you like it? Let me know by leaving a review. Thanks xoxox traybay


	3. Chapter 3

Okay so here is the next chapter =] Roxas is finally on his way to being happy. Axel will show up in the next chapter, so you won't have to wait much longer for them to get together. And today is my 21st birthday, just saying! I spent the morning of my 21st writing fanfiction, haha. You should feel honored. Oh, and thanks to all those who have reviewed. It really means a lot to me and makes me want to keep posting new chapters faster since I know someone is waiting for it. So thanks again and keep up the review to let me know what you think.

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My whole body aches. The drugs have worn off and I can feel every hit, kick, and burn from the last week. I don't open my eyes as I drift into consciousness. I move to roll over but a sharp stab of pain on the right side of my ribs. The pain is enough to take my breath away. My eyes involuntarily tear up at the sharp sting and I try taking shallow breaths to ease the pain. Eventually the pain becomes manageable. I slowly move my arm up and wipe my eyes of tears and sleep. When I open them, the room is dark. The lack of windows makes the time of day hard to predict. I look over at the clock. 2:38pm. I've been asleep 18 hours. I sit up in bed and crawl to the edge. The sharp pain comes back but not as severe since I'm being more cautious about my ribs. I grab a cigarette from the pack by the bed and light it then walk to the bathroom and relief myself before I stand in front of the mirror. As the smoke from my exhale swirls around the mirror I get a good look at myself. What I see breaks me a little inside and I wish I had something to take to make the feelings go away.

The bruising on my chin is already fading, leaving my skin botched in purples and tints of yellow. My eyes are bloodshot and they seem a dull blue which I find unnerving since I remember them being a bright sky blue. Now the look like overly ripped blueberries. The cheeks are hallowed in so my cheek bone and jaw line are very prominent. My lips are chapped and burnt a little from hitting the pipe too much. My hair is unruly and I run my fingers through it to try and make it less so. It doesn't help the disorder of my hair but it does help lessen the volume of it. My neck has faint bruises from prior in the week when Riku choked me out during sex. My collarbone sticks out and leads to my equally boney arms. There's no muscle definition. I can see the bones and I bring my hand up to see if how small my bicep is. My fingers just barely not touch and I don't even have exceptionally long fingers. My arms are covered in scars and some bruising, mostly around my wrists. My right hand has the burn from last night and it stings a little each time my skin stretches the wound. Looking back up to my body, my chest has various burn marks on it, some fading into the collection of scars already there and some blistering and infected looking. My ribs are bruised on both sides but my right is almost completely black. Not even a normal bruise color, but black with red outlining the black. And to top it off, I can see each of my ribs, except for some under the heavy bruising but anyone one can see them sticking out, trying to break through the skin. When is the last time I've had more than a granola bar or something of equal size? I can't remember. I'm too skinny, sickly so. I'm completely grossed out by my size alone, let alone the bruises and scared. The mirror doesn't show anything belong my navel but I look down and find an assortment of hand print bruises on my hips. My legs are mostly unblemished, except for a few line bruises on my shins from when I walked into the coffee table a couple days ago. Overall, I'm hideous.

I take another hit from my cigarette before throwing it into the toilet, not even halfway done. Cigarettes suppress hunger and I'm in need of some food. I walk out of the bathroom and to the door. It's locked, I'm sure, but I always try, just in case. To my surprise the handle turns when I grip it. What the fuck? Hasn't Riku left yet? Because I'm sure he would have locked me in here if he had. I step into the hallway, listening for any sound. I hear a TV on in the living room, which is right down the hall from where I am. I have a bad feeling all of a sudden and in churns slowly in my empty stomach, making me want to hide under the bed. I slowly make my way and with each step the feeling worsens. Five feet from the entry way of the living room I see a stain that wasn't there the last time I was out here. I feel the acidic bile of my stomach in my back of my throat as I stare at the blood splattered on the wall and carpet. I finish the last couple steps before I stand and take in the massacre. Bodies, all dead covered in blood, faces turned up with a look of horror on them, bullet hole in forehead. Four bodies total and I take my time looking at them. Three of them are sellers, Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie. They all sold their souls to Riku a long time ago and they have treated me like shit since the day I came here. Tidus and Wakka were always asses whenever I saw them and Selphie was high on some sort of upper at all times. I don't even feel sadness for them when I look over them. One body left. My precious Riku. Unlike the others his face isn't stuck in horror like the others. It's calm and I thank heavens his eyes are closed, unlike the others. He looks like he's sleeping, with a bullet hole in his head. Peaceful. I haven't seen him so peaceful since I first met him. My heart thuds against my ribcage painfully. Even after all the shit he's done to me, I feel sad. How did I not hear the shots that killed them?

Without thinking I walk through the living room, making sure not to step on the bodies or their blood. I grab the phone and dial a number I learned a long time ago. It rings three times.

"Hello?" Sora's voice comes through the time.

"He's dead. Shot in the head. Bad drug buy from the looks of it. I'm torching it. Meet me three blocks down the way as soon as possible," I say and hang up.

Sora and I have talked before about what to do in this kind of situation. Save ourselves. I don't really care about me so much as Sora, but he insists I have to make it out, alive and not in handcuffs. I walk back down the hall but go into Riku's room. I open the dresser and put on a t-shirt and a pair of sweats before going to the closet. I grab a large duffle bag from the floor and lift a floor board. Green is all I see. Twenties, fifties, and hundreds stacked up as far as I can see inside the hole in the floor. I start shoving the bricks of money into the duffle bag until it's full. I grab a backpack from inside the closet and fill it to the brim also. I walk out of the room with the backpack on my back and the duffle bag on my shoulder. Both bags are heavy and I know I won't be able to carry them long. I go back into the guest room and grab the things Sora had left for me. I leave the room and drop the bags by the front door and walk into the kitchen. Through the kitchen to a door that leads to the garage. Once in the garage, I locate a couple gas cans. There four all together and they are all full. I grab one at a time and bring them into the house. Once they are all in, I walk to the far end of the house and unscrew the lid and begin walking down the wall, leaving a trail of gasoline behind me. The can runs out of gas just as I get to the living room. I settle two of the cans around the bodies. I put on the backpack and grab the duffle bag. I open the door and look up and down the street. There's no one outside, so I grab the last can and cover the porch with the gas. I take a piece of gum and put in my mouth as I walk away from the house. Once I reach the sidewalk, I light a cigarette. I pick up a broken chunk of sidewalk and stick the gum to it and then press the light cigarette into the gum. I make sure I have the duffle bag secure onto me and I throw the chuck at the porch and I take off running down the street.

I swear I hear the chuck of sidewalk hit the porch before a blast blows the front of the house up. I can feel the heat from a house away and I keep running. Further blasts and fire crackling erupt from the house. I slow to a walk when I get to the intersection. My heart is beating a mile a minute and the bags are wearing me down. I see a black car turn sharply onto from the intersection up ahead and the car races towards me. Right before it gets to me, the brakes lock up and spin the car around 180 degrees. I walk to the car and open the back door. Sora turns around from the driver's side.

"I heard the explosion from two blocks away. We need to get out of here now," Sora says, fidgeting around in his seat. I shut the back door and open the passenger door and slide into the leather seat. Sora takes off as soon as I shut the door.

"So what happened? What's in the bags? What are we going to do?", Sora starting asking as we drove down the street, turning at the intersection and slowly making out way from the house.

"Take a breath, Sora. They got shot, Riku, Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie. In the head. It was gross. The bags have money in them. And we live this none of this happened," I say, watching the scenery move from the low end houses to suburbs and condos.

"Money? What money? Where did-" Sora starts asking again, but I cut him off.

"Sora, chill. It's Riku's money. I figured he wasn't going use it," I say, giggling a little. Sora looks like me like I'm crazy.

"Why are you laughing? They are dead. People, Roxas, have died and you're laughing?" Sora asks in disbelief. I think about it for a second but couldn't find the remorse that Sora could.

"They were druggies and fucking sellers. Their deaths don't mean anything," I say, watching the suburbs turn into the city outskirts. I realize I have no idea where Sora lives and that I haven't been outside of the house with him, alone, ever. Riku never let me out of his sight when he took me on business trips, well except for when he lent me out for people to fuck.

"You're a druggie and I'm a seller. If what you said is true, we're not different from them," Sora says.

"I'm not different from them but you are. You didn't let the drugs ruin you like they did," I say, getting annoyed. Talking about drugs makes me want them, physically at least. The pain was growing all around my body and I couldn't get comfortable in my seat.

"You're wrong about you. You didn't let the drugs ruin you. Someone ruined you with drugs," Sora says, softly. He's picking up on my irritability. He's been around users enough to know how to handle them. Sora has to deal with me all of time when I got through withdrawals.

"Point it, I'm ruined. Whatever Sora let it go. Where do you live? I'm fucking starving," I say, as my stomach clenches in hunger.

"I can stop somewhere before we get home. It's not too much farther, but I don't have much food at my house since I normally get takeout. So where do you want to go?" Sora asks.

"Anywhere with food. I haven't eaten in fucking days," I said, shifting in my seat. My skins feels itchy everywhere.

"Christ Roxas, doesn't Riku feed you?" Sora asked as he pulled into an off-brand Mexican fast food place.

"When he remembers," I say as we pull up to the speaker.

"Hello, would you like to try the-" the speaker started but I cut it off.

"No you bitch," I said, leaning over Sora to yell at the speaker. "I want ten soft shell tacos and a large Pepsi." I look back at Sora. "Want anything?" I ask smiling.

He pushes me back into my seat with a scowl. He turns to the speaker. "Can we also get a nacho supreme, a steak quesadilla, and two more soft shells, please."

"Gosh fatty," I say, laughing at Sora.

"I'm only having the nachos. The other things are for Namine and Kairi. And buckle up. You've already broken too many laws today," Sora says, pulling up to the window. He hands the cashier a $20 and gets some change back before driving to the next window. As we wait for the food he looks at me. "Seriously, buckle up. I won't give you your food if you don't. And why ten tacos? Can you even eat that much?" Sora asks.

"Yeah I can. Or at least I feel like I can," I say, buckling my seat belt. I feel so constricted by it but I want my food. Not that I think Sora would keep it from me but I don't want to chance it when I'm so hungry. The window finally opens and Sora grabs the food and hands it to me. I immediately pull out a taco and start eating it. Sora continues to drive and by the time I'm on taco number five he stops the car. I look around and find out that we're in a parking garage. Sora gets out of the car and I follow suit, with the bag of food with me.

"The bags," I say. Sora reaches into the backseat and pulls out both bags and we talk together to the door that leads into the building. He opens the next door and we come into a hallway lined with apartment doors. We walk down the hall a little before stopping in front of A5 and he puts a key in the door and opens it.

His apartment is sparse but homey at the same time. I know he can't afford much since he uses all his money to help his sister. There's an old blue couch and an oversized red chair in front of a TV. I follow Sora into the apartment more and see a dinky kitchen and a four person dining room table that is covered in random papers. We walk down the small hall and he puts the two bags into a bedroom.

"This is mine and Kairi's bedroom. The one across the hall is Namine's and the other door it the bathroom. I guess you'll be sleeping on the couch if that's okay. There's not much room in here," Sora says, scratching his head a little like he's embarrassed.

"Couch is fine. You know, with some of that money you could get a better place. There's enough of it," I say.

"We aren't living here much longer. Namine just went on hospice," Sora said, sadly. "And when she passes, Kairi and I decided to move into a bigger place since we will be able to afford it then."

"Shit, Sora…I'm sorry about your sister," I say, even though I'm really not sorry about her but that seems like the right thing to say. True is, Sora is kind of making me uncomfortable with his sad talk.

"It's fine. And the money could go to something useful, like rehab for you," Sora says, taking the food bag from me and walking out of the room and down the hall. I follow him.

"Rehab? I don't need that," I say, not liking the sounds of being locked up with other druggies.

"Yes you do. You are already cranky and it's just going to get worse. You want to get clean don't you?" Sora asks with his pout and puppy eyes. Truthfully, no I don't want to get clean because the drugs keep the feelings away. And the feelings eat me alive. But the way Sora looks at me, I just want to make him happy.

"I guess I'll do it for you Sora," I say.

"You'll do it for you, Roxas," Sora says with a smile. "Now, let's eat! I'm hungry."

Sora grabs the nachos out and start devouring them. I take out my half eaten taco from before except it doesn't seem appetizing at all. In fact makes me sick to my stomach. Oh shit I'm going to throw up. I quickly throw the taco down and run to the bathroom and I barely make it in front of the toilet before I throw up. I hear Sora come into the little bathroom between my retches. He turns on the water and then puts a cool wash cloth to my forehead when I stop throwing up so much. My stomach is still in knots and I feel so weak.

"I guess you're stomach couldn't take all that food since you haven't eaten in awhile. You'll have to take eating slower and build it up until you can eat a regular meal size without throwing up," Sora says, as he gently rubs my back. When I'm sure I won't throw up anymore I lift my head from the toilet lid. Sora flushes the toilet and wipes my mouth with the wash rag. I feel like absolute shit. Sora helps me to my feet and gets me mouth wash to rinse my mouth. After that walks me to the couch. I lay down as Sora walks away into the kitchen. He comes back with a glass of water, a trashcan, and a piece of toast.

"Here, try to eat this. You need something in your stomach or you'll never get better," Sora says. I grab the piece of toast weakly and start munching on it. Sora turns on the TV and waits until I've finished the whole piece of toast. He grabs a afghan from the back of the couch and covers me with it. I snuggle into the warmth.

"Okay, you sleep for a while. I'll introduce you to Namine and Kairi when you wake me," Sora says. He turns the volume of the TV down and walks back into his room. I close my eyes and try to sleep. After a long time, I hear the front door open and two female voices. One is weaker than the other and I assume that's Namine. I don't have the strength to open my eyes so I just barely listen to them. I hear Sora come and greet them and they all sit down to eat the Mexican fast food. Slowly the lull of their voices puts me to sleep.

* * *

So there is it. Who's happy about what happened to Riku? Haha I know my reviews aren't the biggest fan of him.

Also, I won't be posting another chapter for a little while because this coming week is college finals, so I'll be busy studying, but I'll try to get another chapter out as quick as I can.

Please review and let me know what you think.


	4. Chapter 4

So here is the next chapter! Sorry it took me so long, finals and all that. But now I'm on break so I have more time.

Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know if you like it.

* * *

When I woke up the day after I set the fire, my whole body was completely consumed with pain. Every inch of my skin felt like maggots had bored through the skin and were eating my sides. I could barely move, my body felt so heavy and cramped. I knew this feeling well. Withdrawals. My whole body itched and burned at the same time. I moved my arm up to my stomach and pushed my shirt up to my chest and started scratching the expose skin. The pain of the itch only intensified with every touch. My whole body itched. I not so gently rolled off the couch and landed on the floor hard. I don't remember much after that. Sora found me in the kitchen covered in blood and a fork stuck in my arm from me trying to stop the itching. He called 911 and I got rushed to the hospital. He told them I was going through withdrawals and I underwent ultra-rapid opioid detox under anesthesia. I got put under for 10 hours while my body was being pumped full of opiate antagonists. I don't remember any of that. But I do remember waking up in a hospital bed, confused and very tired. And pain free. I didn't feel any symptoms of withdrawals. But I had no idea why I was in a hospital with both my arms bandaged from the wrist to the elbow. Nurse came in as I was trying to get out of the bed. Explained to me how I had gotten a severe cause of "itchy blood" and had tried to stop the itch with a fork. Hence my bandaged arms. The hospital kept me under surveillance for two days to make sure the detox had worked right.

The day I got sent home was the day Namine died. Ironically, when I was getting released, she was getting taken into the hospital to be pronounced dead. Sora took it better than I thought he would, but then again he was expecting it. After Namine's death, everything was a blur. The detox worn off and while my body didn't crave the drugs, I still felt the physically symptoms of withdrawal. I felt depressed and useless. Sora sent me to a rehab facility so he wouldn't have to deal with me while he was arranging Namine's funeral and moving into a different apartment.

And that brings me to date. It's been a month since I got released from the hospital and I'm still in my rehab because there are certain steps you have to complete once enter. I can't just leave whenever I want, even though I'm feeling mostly fine. The rehab place is called Radiant Garden, which isn't so bad considering they do actually have a large, aesthetically pleasing garden out the back. In a normal day, I get woken up by a nurse who cleans and re-bandages my arms. They are doing a lot better, and the bandages don't cover from wrist to elbow anymore. But there are a few deep wounds that have yet to heal on each arm. I look like an emo suicide attempt with my healing scars and covered wrists. After my arms are done, I go and get breakfast. After eating, I have a short break, which I spend in my room until it's time for one on one counseling with a lady named Aerith. Her kind heart reminds me a little of Sora. I feel somewhat bad for lying to her. I can't tell her about Riku because then she'd know I was involved in the fire, which was all over the news for a week after it happened. I would get in trouble but I don't really care about that. Sora would get in trouble for sure since he is the one who checked me into this place. So I tell Aerith a watered down version of my story and she thinks I'm so brave to have gone through what I did. I never respond to her when she says that because I don't think it's brave to be alive. I still don't care about anything other than Sora and sometimes Aerith.

After Aerith, I go to group therapy where I get to hear about all the fucking crack heads talk about their fall from grace. I don't talk normally because I have nothing to say. I don't care about any of those in the group and I can't relate to any of them because I didn't choose drugs over friends/family/whatever. I didn't sell myself or steal to pay for drugs. Hell, I never actually paid for drugs come to think of it. I just was there with Riku, on drugs. After group, I have free time, which I spend in my room because I can't stand the other patients in here. I can't help but think I'm nothing like them and I don't belong here with them. Free time givens me time to think about my day so far and reflect on it. With this added time to think, I realize I'm not completely unfeeling anymore. I find myself annoyed, irritated, pissed off, angry, and disgusted with everyone in this place. Especially with my group therapy. I don't think talking my drug use to death is getting anywhere. I don't need to talk it to death because my problem wasn't the drugs. I guess my problem is what the drugs did to me. I've long forget what content feels like. I'm so full of angst anymore and the withdrawals aren't helping. The withdrawals still creep up once a day or so. I could be anywhere, doing anything and all of a sudden there is this pain that radiates in my body and I know that if I just get high it will go away. I'll become anxious and start sweating and shaking. Sometimes my skin becomes so extremely sensitive I'll start stripping wherever because the clothes I'm wearing are putting too much pressure on me and I can't breathe until I'm completely naked. And just thinking about withdrawals can make one happen.

Like now. I quickly strip off my shirt, sweatpants, and boxers and lay on my bed with my eyes closed, wishing away the feeling that I don't belong in my skin. Luckily my roommate has become used to my sudden need for nakedness. He just ignores me now when it happens. My roommate's name is Reno, after the city he was conceived in, or so he told me. Reno is a druggie/alcoholic. He loves talking to me about what his life was like before he came here. I don't care and I wish he would shut up but he never does. And I never tell him to shut up because I don't have the energy to waste talking to him when he'll just keep talking anyways. When I arrived at Radiant Garden, he was already here, so technically he got stuck with me. And more some reason he thinks he needs to coach me through recovery. Like now.

"Hey little dude, you okay, yo?" He asks, looking away from his book long enough to take it my nakedness. At least he gets what withdrawals are so I don't feel compelled to answer him when I'm like it. "You're skin all tingly and shit again?"

I focus on breathing and ignoring the redhead. Did I mention he's a redhead? Like, red the color of blood. And it sticks all over the place on top and then pulled into a pony tail in the back. And it's natural and I know this because I'm not the only one who likes to get naked. He wears these stupid goggles all the time and has stupid red tattoos on his cheeks. He's also very tall also which makes me look like a midget when I stand by time. Overall I find him annoying at best.

"So, not that I don't enjoy when you get naked and all," Did I mention he's a perv? "But my brother is coming to visit soon, so you might want to put some clothes on, yo."

I debate in my head whether getting dressed is worth it but decide it'd be significantly less awkward if he sees me naked. Not that I really care if I was seen naked, but if I make others feel awkward, they are more likely to complain, and then I lose privileges, which means more time locked up here. I grab my boxers and pull them up, my skin burning with itch as the fabric touches my skins. I groans in pain and ball my hands into fist, trying to resist scratching my skin open.

"You want me to get a nurse? They could give you something for that, yo," Reno says, already making his way to the door. Like fuck I'm going to be given some other sort of drug to make the feeling go away. Drugs are the whole reason I'm in this mess anyways.

"I'm fine, Reno. Close the fucking door," I say, through clench teeth. Reno looks at me and then the door again and shuts it. He sits back down on his bed, looks at the clock, then me before he starts reading again. I close my eyes and focus on breathing. Slowly, the feeling leaves my skin and the withdrawal is over. I open my eyes and realize it's been a half hour. Reno isn't in the room anymore. I didn't even hear him leave. I have art in ten minutes. Before dinner, Radiant Garden makes patients choose a creative outlet. I choose art because I get to work alone. There's also music and yoga. I put on my shirt and pants and make my way to the art classroom. I wonder if Reno is going to be there. Normally we sit by each other, which is nice because then no one else will sit by me and try to make me talk to them. I've learned to be able to block Reno when he talks which is why I'm fine with him sitting by me. I was down the hallway that is lined with the bedrooms and turn left when I reach the end. I pass the outdoor sitting area, the TV room, the game room, and finally the art room. I open the door quietly and am surprised to see Reno in the room, sitting in another redhead. It's obvious this is his brother since they share that ridicules hair color. The brother even has tattoos on his cheeks, except he has a different design than Reno. One difference is their eye color. Reno has blue eyes and his brother has bright vivid green eyes. They both look up at me when I open the door, Reno with a smile on his face, and his brother like he's looking at a unknown dog, deciding if it will bit or not.

"Hey little dude! You doing alright now, yo?" Reno asks. "This is my brother Axel, by the way. I would have introduced you earlier but you know…" He trails off, knowing just thinking about a withdrawal can bring one on. My skin still feels slightly itchy. Like if you wear a wool sweater than take it off. I ignore Reno in favor of grabbing the drawing I've been working the last couple of days. I grab a couple of different number pencils so and sit down by Reno.

"Not very talkative is he?" Axel asks. "What's up with you…What's your name again?"

I decide talking to him will probably make him shut up. I've found that if you tell people visiting your reason for being in, they are more likely to leave you alone because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

"It's Roxas," I say, trying to take some of the bitterness out of my voice. I look at him waiting for him to ask me why I'm in here so that I can end this conversation.

"What's up with your arms? Try offing yourself?" Axel asks, eye my bandages.

"No. I'm a drug addict. I was going through withdrawals and decided the best way to scratch my skin was with a fork," I say, with a smile. His face paled a little as I'm sure he imagined what it would be like to break skin with a fork.

"Shit, man," he says, before turning back to Reno. I block out their talking and work on my art. I have no idea where this place is. It's a house in the suburbs, drawn with great detail. I don't know whose house this is but the image is stuck in my head, so I decided to draw it. Yuffie, the art director, says it's probably my childhood house, since I can't remember what that looks like. I don't remember anything about where I lived before I ran away, other than that I had a father, mother, and brother. I've been trying to remember them since I got here but I only come up with little pieces, like how my brother had blonde hair like me. I finish up with the house just as art gets over. It's dinner time now.

"Hey Roxas," Reno's voice comes from behind me. I turn to look at him. "You wanna eat with me and Axel, since its visitation day and no one came to see you?"

Blunt as ever. Good time I'm not one of those weepy people who would start crying at the reminder than no one came to visit them. Sora told me last week he wasn't coming because of stuff regarding the new apartment. Despite my better judgment, I nod yes to Reno. He smiles so large and grabs me by the wrist and pulls me out of the art room. Axel is waiting outside.

"He said yes! Let's go get some food, yo!" Reno says, letting go of me and leads the way down the hall. I'm stuck walking by Axel, who keeps glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. He makes me nervous, but not entirely in a bad way. Like I want to impress him, I guess. It's weird and I bury that feeling as we enter the cafeteria. Axel and I follow Reno to the line of food. I grab two cheese burgers, a thing of fries, a pudding cup, and a large Pepsi. Ever since I've gotten clean, my appetite has skyrocketed. Doctors say it's because the drugs used to suppress my appetite and now it's making up for lost times. Axel grabs his food and we make our way to table. the cafeteria is empty except for us. Not a lot of people actually eat in here when they have visitors. When you're allowed the privilege of visitors, you gain the right to eat wherever. Most people eat in their rooms so they can have personal conversations without anyone hearing, but I guess Reno isn't worried about that. I sit across from Reno and Axel surprisingly sits right next to me.

"You going to eat all that, kid?" Axel asks. I get irritated that he calls me a kid, when I'm legally an adult.

"I'm not a kid," I say, as I viciously take a bit of the first cheese burger.

"Oh yeah? You're what, 16 tops?" Axel says grinning, taking a bite of his own dinner, which is macaroni and cheese.

"18," I say. Reno is just watching our exchange with a smirk on his face. Apparently he's used to his brother harassing random strangers.

"Oh really? You're so little," Axel's fucking grin never leaves his face. He's starting to piss me off.

"Yes really. The drugs stunted my growth, thanks." I say, taking another bite of my food.

"Leave him alone, Ax," Reno says, but there's a joking tone. "He's sensitive about his size."

"Fuck you two. I didn't have to eat with you so be nice." I say, wondering why Axel is able to get under my skin so easily. Normally it takes people a day or two to get me irritated enough to talk back. Normally I just ignore them but there's just something about the stupid redhead, both of them really.

"Sensitive? Look at how he's eating, there's enough food there to last the whole day," Axel says.

"Look here, fuck face, shut your mouth before I rip it out, kay thanks?" I say in the bitchest way I can. But apparently I have no effect on the huge redhead because he laughs at me. Right in my fucking face, just laughs. Reno joins in laughing at me. Glad everyone is having a good time.

"Wow, Axel, I've never seen anyone get a rise out of Roxy here so quickly. You must me special," Reno says.

"Yeah, special ed. And what did you call me?" I ask. No one has called me Roxy since I can remember but I know I've been called that before. It sounds like a female dog's name coming from Reno's lips.

"Roxy. It's cute, yo," Reno says.

"It is," Axel says. "I think it fits that cute face of yours."

What the fuck? Did he just call me cute? I glance over at him and take in his appearance again. Maybe he's bi or something because nothing really screams gay about him. Other than his hips but that's biologically so I'll let it slide. I think he's hitting on me. I don't remember the last time someone has hit on me, without being completely trashed.

"Are you hitting on me?" I ask, taking another bit. I don't know why but my stomach is fluttering in anticipation. Not that I like Axel but he's just the first to…notice me, I guess? Like, I'm not some fuck toy for cheaper drugs.

"What if I am?" Axel says, leaning in close to me. I can smell him and he smells like spiced autumn. I know that sounds weird, but like a mixture of apple cider and burning leafs in the autumn time. I think I used to know someone who smelt like that and my heart kind of clenches at the not memory. All of a sudden, he's too close and I'm starting to freak out. I push away from my seat too quickly, knocking the chair down. I stumble over it and run out of the cafeteria. I ignore my name being called and I run down the hall until I reach my room. I open the door and shut it, wishing there was a lock. I lean against the door and notice I'm shaking.

What the fuck? Maybe this is another withdrawal. I walk to my bed and get under the covers and hid myself under there. I try to control my breathing but I can still smell the spiced autumn smell. My heart clenches again and I squeeze my eyes shut and try to block out the smell. In my head, images flash by like a slideshow. Outside, in a back yard. Running around the yard being chased by someone with a deep booming laugh, while two other laughs, one light and feminine, the other deep but still light. Flash. I'm raking leafs with a women and a man. I can't see their faces but I think it's my mom and my brother. Flash. I'm in the pile of leafs now and the man with the deep but still light laugh is standing over me laughing, not at me, but with me. I'm laughing. Flash. I'm standing around a pile of leafs burning in a small fire pit, drinking hot apple cider, with someone's arm around me, keeping me warm. The memory is carefree and happy. I can feel the light burn from the wind on my cheeks and nose. I'm happy. The slideshow stops in my head as I open my eyes, trying to get away from the images. My cheeks are wet and when I put a hand to my face, I realize that I'm crying.

I hear the door open and I wipe away the tears. Someone walks into the room, Axel I'm assuming because I don't recognize the heavy footsteps. They stop at the end of my head. They clear their throat, awkwardly. I poke my head out from under the covers. I was right, it is Axel.

"Um…I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean to, you know, make you freak out," Axel says, one hand behind his head scratching his neck.

"Th-that's not why I ran," I say, my voice sounding pathetic and weak. He doesn't hear me.

"I didn't mean to, like, hit on you or anything. I was just joking. I mean, I wasn't when I said you were cute but I didn't mean it in a serious way. I didn't mean to come on to you," Axel said, rambling on. I sit up in the bed, with my covers cocooned around me.

"That's not it," I said, louder this. Axel shuts his mouth and stares at me. We just stare at each other long enough to make it awkward but neither of us says anything. Axel breaks the silence.

"I'm sorry if I freaked you out with the gay talk. I didn't mean to assume you might swing that way," Axel started again. This felt like the beginning of another ramble.

"I'm gay!' I yell, to stop him from continuing his pointless rambling.

"What? You are?" He asked.

"Yes. And that's not why I left. You…you're smell is why I left," I say, tugging my blankets closer.

"My…smell? Oh my God, you ran away because I smell bad?" Axel sniffs his underarms before looking at me again. "But I don't smell."

"Not smell bad. Just you're smell…I used to know someone who smelt like that. It just…Why am I telling you this?" I say. I feel venerable and weak and there is a strange redhead in my room that has something about him that makes me want to talk to him.

"It's fine if you don't want to say anything," Axel says, holding up his hands. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for scaring you away."

"You didn't scare me," I say, with slight annoyance.

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry I smell this way, then," Axel says with a small smile. "Friends?" He holds his hand out to me. How does he go from making me run away to thinking we're friends? I don't have friends…well, I guess I could count Sora as a friend. Aerith was talking about branching out and meeting new people. Sora says stuff like that when he visits, too. Maybe I should give Axel a chance. If it doesn't go the way I like, I just won't talk to him after I get out of here. Reno is due to leave soon, so once he's gone, Axel will be out of the picture, too.

"Okay," I say, accepting his hand. He smiles all goofy like and over exaggerates the hand shake. I can't help but feel like I just had a huge mistake.

Apparently being friends means he can invade my personal space because he sits on the bed, right next to me.

"So now that we're friends, I should know a little about you," Axel says. Yes, big mistake.

"Uh…like what?" I ask. I've never been good on social interaction. Sora's the closest social interaction I get and he's at least known me long enough to know I'm bad at this kind of thing.

"Like your favorite color, food, shape, anything!" Axel says, sitting cross legged, with his arms resting on his knees and his head in his hands.

"I don't really have favorite things," I say.

"What? Everyone has favorites!" Axel exclaimed.

"Uh…where's Reno?" I ask.

"Huh? Oh yeah, he's waiting in the hall. I'll get him," Axel jumps off my bed and opens the door. Reno appears in the doorway a few seconds later, a concerned look on his face.

"You okay, Roxas?" Reno asks, stepping into the room. At least he kind of gets the whole random freak out thing.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I say.

"Okay, well, Axel you have to leave soon. Visiting hours are almost up. Say goodbye and I'll meet you in the hall," Reno says. He walks to the door and glances at me one last time before disappearing into the hall.

"Well, it was nice meeting you," Axel says. He looks nervous and he's doing that neck scratch thing again. "Do you have a piece of paper? Or something?"

"Yeah…,"I say, grabbing a notebook from the side of the bed. I'm supposed to right my feelings in it but I don't. I hand him the notebook and a pen. He opens it to the last page and writes something before handing it back.

"I don't get much time off to come visit here, so here's my number, in case you'd like to call. And my address…in case you like writing letters better. You seem cool and I'd like to get to know you better, if that's alright with you," Axel says, handing the notebook back. I stare at the notebook for a couple seconds before looking at him. He looks so nervous, like he's afraid I'm going to tell him to fuck off or something. I'm guessing that's not how friends act.

"Okay," I say because I can think of anything else.

"Okay? Okay. Cool. So, yeah. Bye, I guess," He says, awkwardly.

"Bye," I say.

He waves before disappearing out of the door. What the hell just happened?

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Like it? Please review.

Next chapter shouldn't take to long for me to post, since I have nothing to do for three weeks, while on break. But who knows? I do have friends that might want to hang out.

Thanks for reading xoxoxo traybay


	5. Chapter 5

This took longer than I expected. But here it is. This is kind of a filler chapter, but it has important information in it. Hope you enjoy and please review and let me know what you think about it.

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I sat in my bed, trying to figure out how I got Axel's number but nothing really made sense. I ran away from him, he gives me his number? And he said I seemed cool…what planet did someone like me seem cool. At the same time though, a part of me was excited to have the attention. Maybe I'll talk to Aerith about this. It's a normally thing that doesn't require me to lie. She knows I'm gay so that's not a problem. I wonder what she'll say about Axel. Maybe it's too soon in my recovery to have a…what would Axel be to me? I'm not even sure I like him. So he'd be my suitor then. He likes me right, more than friends? But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe Axel just wants to be friends. Fuck, this is hard. This is why I don't associate with people. That and the fact that I used to get loaded whenever I had to be around new people. I don't know how to deal with people sober. I'll definitely have to talk to Aerith about this.

Reno comes back into the room and flings himself onto my bed. Guess it's time for one of his gossip moments. He does this occasionally, whenever no one else will listen to him.

"So my brother thinks you're cute," Reno says with a stupid grin.

"Oh did you gather that from when he said 'Roxy' fits my 'cute' face?" I say trying to sound annoyed. I just wanted Reno to drop the Axel issue because he's probably just going off of speculation instead of actual proof.

"Well, yeah. And he told me when he left, yo," Reno says, his shit eating grin never leaving his face. I just want to hit him but I would get privileges taken away and have to be kept here longer. Axel thinks I'm cute…? There's that nervous feeling again. I try pushing that feeling away but thinking of how the word cute is a bad way to describe an 18 year old druggie.

"Yeah, well cute is a stupid way to describe me," I say, not really knowing what else to say.

"Really, yo? Because that's exactly how I'd describe you. Cute little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes. With a cute little attitude," Reno says, smiling.

"I'm not a little boy!" I yell, pushing Reno off my bed. I'm not that little! Reno just laughs at me from the floor. I move to the edge and look down at him on the floor. "I'm 18, not a little boy!"

"Okay, okay," Reno says in between laughs. "You're not a little boy."

"It's not funny," I say, pouting. Do people really just think of me as a little boy? I can't help it that I'm short and skinny. I can't do anything about the height issue but I eat. Dinner proved that, even though I didn't get to eat it all. Maybe I should go back and see if I can get some more food. "Hey, what did you do with my leftover food?"

Reno stood up from the floor and produced a cheeseburger and a pudding cup from his hoodie pocket. He handed it to me with a smile. "I figured you'd want this. Sorry the burger is a little squished but someone just pushed me off the bed."

"Whatever, it's still good," I say, ripping off the wrapper. I take a bite and smile around the burger. "Shank you, Weno," I say with my mouth full. He just smiles at me and flops on his bed, pulling out a notebook to write in. He actually does write in his feelings journal daily except I don't think he gushes about his feeling but rather recaps the day's events.

I slowly eat my burger, trying to savor each bite. After the last bite of the delicious I realize I have nothing to do now. I look at the clock. hours end at 7:00pm. Didn't Axel just leave? Did it really take me that long to eat a cheeseburger? I have no idea where the time went. That's one thing that hasn't changed from when I was with Riku. I think I'm sitting on the bed for five minutes and I check the clock and an hour has past. The doctors have told me that residual effect from the drugs. Apparently I fried some neurons in the part of my brain that controls time perception. The doctor explained it to me when I first got here. Something to do with the level of dopamine levels and high levels of it make it seem like time passes quickly. And since I killed off some neurons, my body is detecting the dopamine so time in my head passes much slower than time in real life. So I basically look half retarded all the time, staring off into space.

I look over at Reno still writing in his journal. What is he writing about that takes so much time? I see my pudding cup sitting on nightstand. I grab it and rip the lip open and lick it clean. I realize I don't have a spoon or anything to eat it with, so I just suck it out. Reno gives me a weird look before he continues to write.

"I don't have a spoon, quit judging me!" I say. Reno just laughs at me and continues writing. I finish off the pudding cup and throw it in the trash.

Now I'm just sitting on my bed with nothing but my thoughts. Maybe I should try to write in my journal or at least doodle in it so I'm not just staring at the wall. I grab my journal and turn to a clean page. Aerith says writing may trigger some memories from before I ran away from home. Drugs didn't just get my time perception neurons but the ones that are involved with recalling information from my long term memory. Everything I can't remember is still in there just locked up because new neurons haven't formed pathways back to the old memories. Apparently just thinking about the memories from when I ran away can make my brain form pathways that will unlock my "forgotten" memories. It's weird but I guess it couldn't hurt to do it. Maybe then I'll find out who I was before the drugs. Two years is all I have from my 18 years of memories. Is the past really that great that I should work to remember it? But those memories that were sparked from Axel's spiced autumn…I remember feeling. Just thinking about those memories makes me feel so hollow in my chest. I don't even know what this feeling is. It hurts but not physically, it's inside of me, hollowing out my chest and making my heart hurt. Like regret or sadness or both. I'll start there, with the happy memories and then see where that gets me.

From the flashback, I know I was outside, probably in my backyard. It was autumn because there leafs were falling. I close my eyes and try to remember what the backyard looked like. I think about the first moment from me running and pause there. My memory is like a movie. Right now I'm pausing the movie memory, trying to gather information. A white, wooden fence surrounds the backyard. There's a tall tree in the left corner, the source of most the leafs. An old swing set is placed in the middle of the yard, two swings. I'm standing on the back porch, which is wood. There's an awning attached to the house that came be pulled out to provide cover if weather isn't right. There's a grill on the left side of the porch and a picnic table on the right side. Three steps and there's the yard. I try to recall the faces of my family but the image in my head still blurs their faces. I try hard to remember any details about them all but realize it's too much information to process at once. I look at my brother's blurred outline and I decide to try to remember him first. I think about the flashback when I'm sitting in the leaf pile. I look up, slowly taking in every detail I can. His shoes are covered in leafs since he's standing in the pile. Jeans are dark and I follow his legs up to his torso. A black shirt, with a black jacket over it. I can tell he's lean and muscular by the way his shirt clings to his chest. I move up to his neck and then to his face. And I can see brother.

He's smiling down at me. He's towering over me since I'm on the ground, but I know he's at least a foot taller than me when I'm standing. The autumn afternoon light shines from behind him, illuminating his blonde hair. It's a disarray of spikes, like mine, except longer and more out of control, yet still perfectly styled. His eyes, blue like mine. His smile was small but genuine. I remember he didn't show his emotions much, so when he did, you'd know it was real. People always say we looked alike, except that I was a much scrawnier version. His name is…

I open my eyes. What is my brother's name? I sit up in my bed and grab the forgotten journal. I start a rough sketch of my brother, recalling his face from my memory. Suddenly I realize I know when the flashback was. It was late September, in the backyard of my house. We were cleaning up the backyard for my birthday, October 3rd. I was turning 16 and we were going to have a party with family and close friends. Riku found me in Hollow Bastion in January when I was 16. What happened in those months that made me run away? I think about the flashbacks and I can remember my dad chasing me around the yard because I said I wasn't helping since it was for my birthday. I raked leafs with my family and me and my brother got into a play fight and he threw me into the leaf pile. My family and I hung out around the fire and I was safe and happy. I loved them. Thinking about them now brings that hollow feeling back. My eyes burn and I realize I'm crying. I wipe away my tears and look over to Reno to see if he noticed. Reno's is fast asleep, tucked under his covers and lightly snoring. I check the clock. 8:31pm. I look back at my sketch. I look into my brother's pencil eyes and try to remember what he sounds like. I hear his laugh in my memory and I recall the rich, deep sound of his laughs. My heart clenches at the sound in my memory. I decide that that's enough recall for now.

I check to make sure Reno is asleep before I slip out of bed and start taking my clothes off. Not that it really matters if Reno sees me naked since I lay in my bed naked most days. But apparently it isn't polite to be naked in front of people who you don't intend to have sex with. I place my clothes in a laundry basket that is in between my dresser and Reno's. The room is set up sparse, with the door to the hall, then to the right my dresser, space for our laundry basket, Reno's dresser and the wall. On the wall by Reno's dresser, there is a three foot by five foot tack board. This is for anything we want to hang up, since we can't up things on the actual walls. Reno's board is covered with pictures of people who I assume are his family and friends. He also has different hand outs tacked up there about strength over addiction and stupid motivational things like that. He even has the serenity prayer up there. His tack board is the only thing on that wall. There's about two feet of space between the wall and his bed. In between his bed and mine is a bedside dresser, much like in hotels. Reno keeps all sorts of shit on in, like his alarm clock (even though we aren't required to get up on our own-we have nurses that do that), books, his journal, pens, loose paper, a bag of cheap candy, and a rope thing made of the candy wrappers. I just have my journal and one mechanical pencil in the dresser. After the dresser, it's my bed then two feet of carpet and the wall. I have my every own tack board, which is completely empty save for a picture of Sora and Kairi. He gave it to me on the second visitation day that I was in here, so that I would have sometime familiar to look at, even though Kairi isn't familiar because I met her for the first time two days after I got in here. I got admitted on a Thursday and visitation is only on Saturdays. The first Saturday was also the day of Namine's funeral. Sora came by to check how I was doing on his way home from the funeral, so naturally he had Kairi with him. Sora told her about our involvement with Riku and now she thinks I'm a bad influence on Sora. I probably am but I don't know what she's worried about since I'm locked up in rehab. I don't care what that redheaded bitch thinks of me anyway.

Walking into the bathroom, which is on the wall where my tack board is, I turn on the shower so it can heat up by the time I take my bandages off. Once they are off and in the trash, I step into the shower. The water is just warm enough to melt tension from my body without burning my skin off in the process. My arms sting as the water runs over the fresh scars and healing wounds. Looking down at my arms, I can see the prong marks from where I dug into my skin, sets of four perfected lined up scars dotting my arms, like I was sticking a baked potatoes with a fork and not my arm. There are also lines of scars from where I dug the fork into my skin and drug in around, trying to make the itching stop. Perfect little rows of scars, with perfect little lined scar dots. My arms are hideous and thinking about the itch that caused me to do make them like this never starts a withdrawal. True, it makes me skin crawl thinking about it, but not in a withdrawal way…more like a sick and disgusted way. I move my gaze away from the scars and grab the shampoo bottle. I squeeze some of the liquid in my hand and rub my hands together before putting my hands in my hair. I massage the shampoo into my hair and scalp then step back under the warm spray of water. I have just gotten used to showering by myself, or without supervision. Riku normally had to literally place me into the shower and turn it on in order for me to take one. It's not that I liked being unshowered but it wasn't high of my list do things to do. Plus any time he deemed me needing a shower, I was so fucked up on drugs I couldn't even stand. Now that I think of it, Sora had to shower me a couple times. Whenever he was in the house, Riku normally made him my babysitter.

Grabbing the conditioner, I think about Riku. Really think about him. He wasn't a monster, not all the time. I know he did things that were wrong. Aerith wants me admit he raped me but I can't. He had sex with me when he wanted to, without regards to either I wanted to but deep down, I don't think I ever didn't want it. I don't that's a lot of negatives but, as hard as it is to admit rape, it's just as hard to admit I wanted it. On drugs, my mind was different. And I was on drugs for the better part of two years. Aerith tries telling me I wasn't myself and I asked her who I was for the past two years but she never answered. Keep saying how I wasn't in control of the situation and it wasn't my fault. But she never told me who I was for the past two years. I'm not dumb, despite my drug induced brain damage. On drugs for two years, I turned into a different person. I don't know who I was before drugs. Who is anyone to say me on drugs wasn't me off drugs.

I notice the water is now freezing cold. I still have conditioner in my hair so I rinse that out and turn off the water. I step out of the shower stall and grab a towel from the rack right outside the shower. I gently pat my arms with the towel until they're dry. I dry the rest of my body without much care. I check myself out in the mirror. I've filled out since I've gotten here. My ribs aren't as prominent and my cheeks aren't so hollow. My eyes have gained their luster back. The right side of my ribs is still tender and the bruising has turned from near black to this gross yellow color. I wasn't allowed any medication for it when it was healing, which was mostly fine by me because my physical, non-withdrawal induced pain tolerance is pretty high.

I walk into the bedroom and go to my dresser to get some boxers to sleep in. Once I dressed myself I made my way to my bed. I snuggled into the covers and checked the clock. 9:24pm. I wasn't really tired. I let my thought wonder back to Riku. He wasn't a bad person, really, if one looked past the sex vs. rape issue. I know he hit me and beat the shit out of me on occasion but it wasn't his entire fault. After a long day of dealing with higher end dealers and issues of money and transporting drugs, he would come home to me and I didn't help his stress levels. I'm not saying that justifies what he did but I can understand why he did it. I was that grain of sand that tripped the scale, that one person that you just snapped at, even though what they did wasn't warranted for the punishment. I was the scapegoat for everyone who made Riku mad. I'm not saying I deserved that, because I know I didn't deserve it, but I can understand where he was coming from. He inherited the drug dealing business from his father. He grew up in a house where drug deals happened on the daily. It is understandable as to why he grew up to be who he was. It was all learned behavior. Monkey see, monkey do. Riku told me about his childhood from time to time. That rough exterior would melt away, normally thanks to a heavy dose of depressants, and he would what he went through. His father sold his body for drugs to "teach" the boy who really owned him. Riku also said is father raped him more than a few times. I can understand why I got…why he treated sex with me the way he did. That's how he grew up, learning that forcing sex was a way to dominate someone, a way to show power and control. He was never about sexual gratification. Riku wasn't even gay, he told me. He said being able to fuck a male showed more power, since on average men are stronger than women physically. Riku didn't mean to cause me harm, not really. He was just behaving in a way he was taught that was the way to treated people. And I am, on some level, sad about his death. He wasn't a decent person or kind or good. But he did have moments where he was a decent human being, when he was kind, and when he did good things. I miss that rare moment Riku and I mourn for him. When I think about that rare moment Riku, my heart clenches in that uncomfortable way, that leaves me hollow and sad. And even when I think of everyday Riku, I still feel sad. He was a little boy that grew up in a bad situation and he was never taught any better than how he was treated. I'm sad about his death and that he never got a chance to be a better person. I haven't explained this to Aerith yet. She wouldn't understand. I don't think a lot of people would understand. So I don't tell anyone.

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So there it is. Like it? Please review and tell me what you think. And tell me if you have any ideas about what you want to happen...haha I'm kind of making this up as I go. I know where the finish line is but I'm not sure how I'm getting there. So, if you want sometime special, please tell me and I'll see what I can do. Thanks for reading =] I might not update for a while because college starts up again tomorrow so I'm going to getting busy. But I promise to make time to write more of this story - xoxox traybay


	6. Chapter 6

This is shorter than normal but I had to cut it short because I couldn't think of how to continue the ending scene and be realistic about it. I'm sorry if the interaction between Axel and Roxas is totally weird but I like realistic(ish) situations and from my personal experience, it's awkward and weird. No one likes to admit it, they just want lovey dovey stories but I know that people are awkward so I wanted to portray that.

Also, sorry for the late undate. I was having a lot of trouble with the ending part. And college just started up and I'm a super lazy person. Hopefully this chapter was worth the wait. Tell me what you think in a review.

And I want to thank my reviewers for reviews. It makes my day when I get them, simply because I know if I'm catering to the reader with my writing. It helps that my reviews tend to be positive, too...But if you really hate this, please feel free to tell me.

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The month following the visitation day I met Axel flew by. I got notification that I could leave soon, since my withdrawals were dwindling and I didn't show interest in doing drugs again. My physical withdrawals came less frequent, from a couple times a day to just an itchy feeling once in a while. Reno got notification that he could leave soon, too. He had been in rehab for three months. He was kind of jealous when he found out I would be released around the same time has him but he was both mentally and physically addicted to alcohol when he came in, while I was just physically addicted. The day after I met Axel, I decided to call him. We ended up talking awkwardly to each other for five minutes. Right before I hung up, he asked if I would call him again. I don't know why but I agreed.

Every day after that, we would try the phone call thing but it never got less awkward. He talked about things I had no idea about, like the latest movies and technology. I couldn't really talk about my past since I didn't know most of it, and Axel felt awkward hearing about me on drugs and with Riku. But it was a nice awkward. If it was anyone else I would have quit calling after the first time, but something about Axel kept me looking forward to that awkward phone call. He tried to make it less awkward by telling stories about his childhood growing up but then I would say something about how I didn't remember any of my childhood, and we'd be back at awkward again. Even if we were bad at talking to each other, he still made me feel all tangled up inside. I think I have a crush on him. Okay, so that's an understatement, I do have a crush, but I'm not going to tell Axel that. He has this confidence to him and I don't want him to get cocky about my crush. Axel made more of an effort to come visit on Saturdays. He'd spend time me and Reno, in our room. We were able to talk normal in person, without so much awkwardness, since Reno was a buffer if me and Axel ran out of things to talk about.

That brings us to today, with me on my bed, sketching in my journal and Reno and Axel sitting on Reno's bed. Two weeks until our release date. Reno won't shut up about it. He keeps talking about what he's going to do with his life, now that he's sober. Axel and he are talking about it right now. I block them out because talking about getting released makes me nervous. I already told Sora I was going to move out so I wasn't in his and Kairi's way. There was still plenty of money left over from Riku but I still planned on getting a job so that I would have something to do with my life. Since Riku found me at the age of 16 I don't think I graduated high school, so going to college was out of the question. I need to go to a government office and get some sort of ID, since I didn't have any and I would need something like that to get a job or apartment. I'm not sure how I'm going to prove I'm me since I don't have a birth certificate or anything like that. I don't even remember my last name so I have no idea what I'm going to do. Guess I'll deal with it when I get there.

I look down at my sketch. It's a picture of my brother. I still can't recall my parents so I keep drawing my brother. Since that day I remembered his face, I haven't been able to recall him name. I'm stuck on him, even though I can remember me and him in different situations, like him driving me to school, or us lying on our roof together watching the stars. I know we were really close and it's killing me a little on the inside since I can't remember his name. I don't know why I can only remember him and little things we've done together. I want to remember my parents, even if it is just their faces. And I want to know my last name because then I could look at missing people reports from two years ago but I could just use my first name and see if I meet any descriptions. But I have to wait another two weeks to get out before I can try to find my family.

"If you stare at that sketch anymore, you might burn a hole in it."

"Huh?" I say, looking away from my brother's face. I look at Reno's bed and find that only Axel is sitting there now. "Where's Reno?"

"He left a minute ago to go to his one-on-one. I didn't want to interrupt your starring contest but I didn't know if you'd stop anytime soon," Axel said.

"Why'd he schedule one-one-one during visitation hours?" I looked at the clock. 5:58pm. "There's still an hour and two minutes left of visitation left."

"Yeah, he thought it'd be nice if we had some alone time to talk," Axel said, avoiding looking at me. Was he blushing? Wait…we?

"We? As in, you and me?" I ask. My stomach did a tiny flip at the thought of me and Axel alone together for an hour and…one minute now. I controlled my emotions so they didn't show on my face.

"Well, yeah…I mean unless you don't want to. That's cool. I could just go," Axel says, getting off the bed and walking to the door. Why was he acting so nervous?

"Wait," I say before he can leave. "You're acting weird. Not that I could consider you normal in the slightest but even this is weird for you."

He scratches his head like he does when he's nervous. (He's come every visitation day for the last four weeks and I've noticed he does this when nervous or uncomfortable, like the time Reno asked if he was sleeping with anyone). "Haha, sorry I'm being weird." He walked back to Reno's bed and sat on it.

"Why are you being weird?" I ask. Apparently I'm blunt, or so Reno tells me. I blame it on not remember my manners, haha literally, but really I don't see a reason to beat around the bush when I want answers.

"You make me nervous," Axel says, looking down at the carpet but I still see him blush.

"You like me," I say. That's the only reason I can think of that explains why he's acting weird and blushing.

"Well, yeah. I do," Axel says, finally looking up at me. I find our roles reversed and I'm not blushing and avoiding looking at him. I hear him laugh at me a little.

"Why?" I ask. He stops laughing and looks at me a little confused.

"Why what?" He asks.

"Why do you like me? I'm in rehab for drugs. That doesn't scream crush material," I say.

He laughs again. "Roxas, my brother is an alcoholic and drug addict. I'm not judging you based off that. And by the way you are taking me liking you very…composed about it."

"Composed, wow that's a big word." His face falls and he looked down and suddenly I realize I can't joke like I could before he admitted his feelings. "Aw shit, I didn't mean it like that. Fuck, Axel, I don't know how to act now. If it makes you feel better, I like you too."

Axel's head shot up so fast I'm sure his vision blurred. His mouth gaped open like a fish and I felt the need to giggle but I suppressed it because I sense this was a serious moment.

"You like me?" He accents the words like he's surprised I could muster up any sort of feeling for him.

"Yes," I blush. It wasn't nerve racking admitting I liked him since he said it first but now repeating it is making me all giddy inside.

"Sweet, I mean cool. I wasn't expecting you to reciprocate my feelings. I was expecting a 'fuck off', honestly," Axel said. He was acting like a child that just got a toy but now was too afraid to play with it because it might break.

"I don't know how to act now. I don't have any experience in liking someone or dating or anything normal really," I say. I shifted on my bed but I couldn't get comfortable. I felt exposed with our feelings reveled.

"Just act like you normally do. You don't need experience," Axel said.

We fell into an awkward silence. At least it was awkward for me. I tried thinking about some of the TV shows that were on at Riku's. A bunch of teen drama that could have been resolved by talking to those actually involved in the situation and lots of sex. I know how to have sex.

"We could have sex," I say. Axel instantly turns red and gapes at me.

"Um, maybe we should wait on that. You know, until we get to know each other. I'm not so big on casual sex," he says, still blushing like mad.

"Oh," I say, deadpan. Axel shifts uncomfortably. I don't know what I said wrong. Or what he means by casual sex. We've never really talked about sex, besides me offhandedly mentioning the sex verse rape issue I had with Aerith, but Axel had calmed up and got even more awkward and weird than normal. Maybe it's not appropriate to talk about sex. "Maybe it's my lack of socialization and my amnesia regarding my past, but I don't know why mentioning sex made you uncomfortable. Or what you mean by casual sex."

"Roxy…just give me a minute okay? I need to choose the right words. I forget sometimes that you don't know things like this," Axel says, getting up from Reno's bed and walking over to mine. I'm sitting up against the wall, with my knees in my chest and my head resting on them as I watch him. He sits right by my feet, facing me and he sits with his legs crossed "Indian style" concentrating on what he wants to say to me. I sit quietly watching him think until he looks up. Our eyes make contact and his simple yet striking beauty almost takes me breath away. I don't understand how someone can be so good looking. I give him a small smile and he smiles back.

"Okay, sex talk. Before I really go into it, I just want to touch a little on your past so I know not to say something you already know. You've had sex, yes?"Axel asks, awkwardly. I can tell this wasn't a normal conversation so I decided to try to be delicate about my answers.

"Yes," I say. Less information is better unless asked to elaborate.

"With how many people? Roughly speaking." Axel looks really uncomfortable asking for this. I guess one wouldn't want their crush to have slept with a lot of people. Unfortunately my answer wasn't going to ease his bad feeling.

"I don't know…at least 20," I say and there's a rotten feeling in my stomach. Thinking about the sex I've had in the last two years now that I'm sober makes me feel gross all over. Dirty. I hope Axel still likes me after hearing the number. His eyes widen at the number but he composes himself quickly.

"Did you want to…Where you Riku's…Shit I'm trying to find a nice way to ask this," Axel says, softly. He's talking like Aerith does sometimes. When she thinks some subjects will break me so she tries dancing around the issue.

"I was his bitch, Axel. I was just a body to them all," I say, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. Bitterness towards Riku for letting all those people use me and a little towards Axel for treating me like a little child.

"I'm sorry," he says before looking down.

"It's not your fault. So tell me why we can't have sex. I actually like you, so I don't know why we can't," I say, trying to get back on track with our conversation.

"Aha, you are so blunt. Okay, I'll explain casual sex. Its sex with people you don't really know or really care about. It has no meaning to it. I don't want casual sex with you because, gosh this is weird to explain right after saying I like you…If we were to have sex, I would want it to be a little bit special. Sex is better when you care about the person you've having it with," Axel says, blushing a little.

"You hold sex to a higher regard than I do," I say. "Is there a timeline to when we would be able to have sex, hypothetically?"

"There's not a set timeline. You don't value sex at all? Not even virginity?" Axel asks.

"Definitely not. The concept of virginity is stupid. It's supposed to mean something but it's really just having a dick shoved inside you or doing the shoving yourself. And that act alone makes you not a virgin. Like I said, stupid." I watch his face for his reaction. He seems to think about it and then smiles at me.

"Yeah I guess you're right, when you put it like that. But that doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with you anytime soon," Axel says, smiling.

"I'm okay with that." I notice our faces are really close. His knees touch my legs. My legs are getting a little cramped but I don't want to move because don't want to ruin the moment. If this is a moment. Axel's eyes move across my face, looking for something wrong, I assume. When he doesn't find me protesting, he leans in closer until his lips almost touch mine. His eyes are still open, waiting for me to accept or deny his advance, so I shut my eyes and close the gap between us.

There was no fireworks, no "Ah ha!" moment, no music playing in the background. But it did feel nice. Really nice, for a closed mouth kiss which is a kind of kiss that I haven't had in a very long time. Axel's lips were soft and he was using the right amount of pressure. The kiss ended quickly but if left my lips tingling. I opened my eyes and see Axel looking at me, with a soft smile that was a little hesitant. I smile back.

* * *

So there it is. Do you like it? Please tell me what you think about it in a review. Also, if you have a suggestion as to something you want to see happen in the story, please let me know, because I'm not writing this from an outline or anything. I'm just the writing from a very loose idea in my head. I have a good idea of what's going to happen when Roxas gets out of rehab, I'm just having trouble getting him there without complete skipping over it all. So, really, anything you want to happen, tell me and I'll try to see if I can put into the story.

Not sure when the next update will be. Hopefully soon but it depends on school work and my social life.

Thanks for reading xoxox traybay


	7. Chapter 7

Yes, I'm so excited I finally got this chapter done. This whole starting-of-a-relationship thing was throwing me through a loop, seeing as I have never actually dated someone. I get the basics of it though, I've just never actually had to do it. Ugh, I so awkward when the situation calls for human contact and socially acceptable responces.

(BTW, it snowed a foot last night, with 5-10 foot snow drifts. College was closed on Feb 2 and it has already been called for Feb 3. {I'm posting this at 3AM my time})

So here it is and I hope you like it. Thanks to all the reviewers with your nice reviews that motivated me to finish this chapter before another weekend happens.

* * *

I burnt Riku's house down three months and one week ago. I had been in Radiant Garden for three months and three days. I've known Axel for two months. And I got released from Radiant Garden an hour ago. Sora picked me up and we immediately went to look at apartments for me. There was still plenty of money left from Riku so that I could live comfortably without having to worry about working. But without work, I would get bored within a few days. Sora had talked to a guy he knows who owns coffee shop and he got me a job there, no interview required. I just have to go for some training to see if I can learn how to work the machines and whatever else. The coffee shop was only a couple blocks from this apartment, so if I got this place, I wouldn't need to worry about transportation. Sora's new apartment is about a ten minute drive away from this apartment, so we could stay in contact easily. I have no idea where Axel lives so I don't know how far I would have to travel to see him. We made plans to hang out when I got my housing situation figured out.

The first two were shitty hole in the wall placed and we are currently in the third and it's looking promising. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, a living room, and kitchen. Rent was a little high, but it's completely furnished and near downtown. The layout of the apartment was simple. When you walk in the door, there was a four person round table about ten feet into the apartment. Right behind the table was the counter of the kitchen area. There was the basic sink, dishwasher, refrigerator, and stove. There was a microwave on the counter facing the door. To the left of the door was a small living area, complete with a couch and oversized chair. The furniture was positioned around a TV stand that didn't have a TV on it. Where the living room and kitchen met up was a hallway, which leads to the master bedroom on the left side of the apartment and a spare bedroom and bathroom the right. At the end of the hall was a linen closet. As I walk through the apartment I can see myself here. The apartment isn't much and I don't need much. I tell the Sora to go ahead and rent it. Sora is renting it and I'm subletting from him, since I have no ID, credit, or anything needed to rent.

While Sora and the realtor work out the details I think over the things I'll need to get at the store so my apartment is livable. I think about the plastic card in my otherwise empty wallet. Sora set up accounts at a bank, one for him and one for me, splitting Riku's money in half. Sora about shit a brick when he counted out all the bills and realized the amount I had taken. I did the math while I was in rehab, but I didn't know the mix of bills, so I couldn't calculate an amount that was anywhere near to accurate. All I knew was that the bags really heavy, added to my adrenaline made it so I could carry more than normal. A bill weighs about one gram. There are 454 grams per pound. One million dollars (figuring for the largest amount that the bags could have held) divided by 100, which is 10,000. This would be the total amount of money, divided by the highest bill ($100). Take the 10,000 divided by 454, and that comes out to about 22 pounds. A $100 bill is .069 cubic inches and 10,000 bills would be 690 cubic inches. A cubic foot (length, width, and height all being one foot) is 1728 cubic inches. A million $100 bills could fit into a cubic foot 2.5 times. The duffle bag I had was roughly 14inX15inX15in and that can fit 4395 cubic inches, which is around 2.5 cubic feet. Simply, the duffle bag could have held 5 million dollars. But that was an unreasonable amount since 5 million dollars would have weighed 110 pounds. I figured out the highest value for the backpack too the same way. Long story short, I stole a total of 2.4 million from Riku's. My time in the hospital cost 25 grand and rehab cost another 35 grand. That leaves me with $1,140,000 in my half. I have no idea how I am able to do that math, in my head, when I don't remember anything about my past. I still can't remember my brother's name.

Sora nudges me and I snap out my thoughts. The papers are all signed and since the apartment is available to move in to immediately, so now it is shopping time for the things I need. Sora drives us to a superstore where we can get bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen necessities. Our trip to the superstore cost a couple thousand since Sora has expensive taste but I must admit I'm excited about 800-Tread Count Egyptian Cotton bed sheets. I don't know what that exactly means but Sora told me that it is the absolute best thing to sleep on. We also stopped at a technology store and got me a laptop. The apartment building was wired with Wi-Fi so I would have the internet. Sora helped put away the kitchen stuff and food while I worked on the bathroom and bedroom. I still needed to get more clothes since I only had the clothes from rehab, which mostly consisted of sweats and plan tees. I do have two pair of jeans that Sora gave to me. The king sized bed is set in the middle of the room, with a mahogany bed frame. The deep red of the silky sheet accent the wood nicely. On both sides of the bed are small bedside stands that had matching lamps on them. On the far side of the room there's a mahogany desk, which was located by the window. The view shows the night time bustle of the city street five stories down. There is also a matching mahogany desk set up on the far side of the room, right by the bed. I hear Sora still putting things away in the kitchen so I go to help since I've finished in my room. I grab my new cell phone that I got when we were out and take it with me to the kitchen. Sora and Axel are my only contacts in the phone but they are the only people I really know. Well, I know Reno, but he is still in rehab for another week and he doesn't have a phone. As I enter the kitchen, Sora stands up from his position in from of the refrigerator.

"All done."

"Okay. So you leaving now?" I ask, not sure if I really want to be on my own yet.

"Yeah, Kairi is waiting up for me. It's already 11:30. What a day!" Sora puts on his coat and turns to me. "If you need anything, call me okay? Remember you have the training tomorrow at 11:00am. Make sure you're on time. And I left the address and directions to it on the kitchen counter. I'll see you later. Night!"

"Night," I say as the door closes. I stare at it for a couple seconds, waiting for Sora to come back, even though I know he won't. I haven't been completely alone since that day I found Riku dead. I wasn't really sure what I should do. Sora had picked out a TV so I could watch that if I wanted. Even though it had been a long day, I wasn't really ready for it to end. I reach into my pants pockets and find Axel's number and hit send. He picked up on the fifth ring.

"Hello?" A groggy voice comes through the line. I feel a little guilty since it sounds like I woke him up.

"Hey Axel. It's Roxas," I say. "Did I wake you up? Because I can let you go if you were sleeping."

"Oh hey Roxy. I'm up now so don't bother hanging up now, haha. Hold on a sec." I hear him rustling around, probably sitting up in his bed. "Okay, I'm back. So what's up? I thought you weren't going to call until you got a place."

"I found an apartment and they wanted a renter bad enough to let me move in today."

"No shit? Wow that's great. You've only been out of Radiant Garden for 14 hours. It took me two months to find an apartment when I moved out of my parents."

"I guess it helped that money is no object…" And this is when our conversation turns awkward. It's weird to talk about how much money I have. Axel doesn't know the whole story about Riku (he doesn't know I took the money and burnt the house down), so he doesn't really know how I got the money. In the last month, our conversations have gotten much less awkward but I always seem to make it weird somehow. Axel didn't reply but I could tell he was trying to find something to say because I could hear him fidgeting.

"Um, so why did you call this late? Not that I have a problem with it. I was just wondering."

"I…This is the first time I've been all alone in three months and one week. It's just a little weird. I don't know why I called you…I just felt like it," I say, biting my lip a little. I knew he wouldn't tell me if he was bad that I woke him up but I couldn't help feel a little guilty that I had woke him up. It was a Thursday after all and he might have to work in the morning.

"Do you want me to come over?" Axel asked, sounding hesitant. I couldn't tell if he was asking just to be polite or if he really wanted to come over.

"I don't want to inconvenience you. Don't you work in the morning?"

"No I don't work Fridays."

"Okay."

"Okay, as in come over? Or…" He sounded hopefully. I hadn't seen him in two weeks because he had to work overtime. He works at a motorcycle dealership/repair shop and he had to work through visitation Saturday because of an overload of bikes needing repaired.

"As in come over." We had been dancing around the issue of "us" and I was beginning to feel like one of those TV show girls waiting to be asked out. I haven't initiated anything since that day Axel gave me the sex talk. We've had a couple of kisses since then but the quick kisses we've shared always leaves me wanting more. I didn't want to do anything wrong, or come on too strong because I wasn't exactly sure if it was okay to be acting like I wanted to so soon. I've only know him for two months. I don't know how these timeframes are suppose to work in relationships…maybe I was just inexperienced and jumping the gun, so to speak.

"Okay. So where do you live?" Axel asked. I could hear him rustling around, probably trying to dress himself while still on the phone. I gave him my address and he said he'd be there in twenty minutes. With a quick goodbye, we hung up.

I looked around the apartment, which now seems too cramped. Would Axel think this was too small and gross? The furniture wasn't new and that could be seen by the well worn cushions. I could also see the lines were the previous owner must have walked, there was a light coloration that indicated the paths they took the most. How do I treat a house guest? Maybe I should look that up online. Sora gave me a crash course on the internet on his last visitation and I had used the computers at Radiant Garden. I surprised myself by typing in search engines when I had no idea what a search engine was. Guess I had a computer before I had met Riku. I go to the computer and open it up. I pull up the internet and go to a search engine and type in 'entertaining your crush' and then clicked on a link that was titled How to Make Your "crush" a Reality. Turns out it was just an article instead of a quick list of what to do but at the bottom of the page was link that said "22 Ways to Melt Your Guy's Heart and Make Him Want to Melt Yours". I wasn't really interested in melting Axel's heart but it sounded like it would have a quick list that I could memorize in the time it took for Axel to get here. Granted this list was for girls and how to get a guy, but I doubt there's a real difference between women and gay guys on how to get a guy to like you back. Men are men, right? I looked over the list and tried to memorize it. Some of the things weren't possible to do tonight, like the one about Christmas and birthday gifts. And some were stupid, like 13. Letting him have a man cave or 17. Do something manly. But I could probably try to do most of the other ones. I'll start with number 18. Send him a sweet text message. I pull out my phone and get it all ready to send a text but I have no idea what a sweet text would count as. I go open another window on my computer and search for sweet text messages. I found a site that had a list of 60 Sweet Text Messages. I go with number 2 that says "I miss you 3". I type the message in and send it. I review the list again and halfway through it my phone vibrates. I look at it and there is a text from Axel. It reads "I'm here" and right as I read it there's a knock at my door. I quickly close my computer and try not to run towards the door. I look down at my clothes, which is a pair of grey sweats and a black tee. Maybe I should have changed. Too late now. I reach the door and my nerves kick it into high gear. I take a deep breath and open the door.

Axel looks like he came from his bed, which is exactly what he did. He was PJ bottoms on with a plain navy shirt on and a coat over it. His hair is in its consistent state of disarray, plus some. He's smiling at me but I can tell he's tired. We just stare at each other for a little bit before he speaks.

"So, can I come in?" Ugh, I feel so stupid. I open the door wide and take a step back, since I don't trust my voice. I'd probably say something stupid. "Cool place. Even from here, I can tell it's better than my place." He turns and smiles at me and I do number 1 from the list and give him a hug. It surprises him at first but he hugs me back. While still in the hug, I feel him look down at me. "Any reason for this? Not that I don't like it, because I do, but you normally aren't his affectionate."

"I just missed you, I guess." I say, breaking the hug.

"Yeah, I got your text. Again out of character for you, but I don't mine. So what do you want to do now that I'm here?" I haven't thought that far ahead yet.

"I could give you a tour?" I really just want him in my bed, sleeping with me. In a non-sexual way. I don't know why I want him so badly.

"Sure." He takes off his coat and hangs it on the back of one of the kitchen table chairs.

"Well, that's the kitchen and that's the living room. And down this hall are the bedroom and bathroom."

"Well, show me the bedrooms. We can have a slumber party!"

I lead him down the hall way, point out the spare bedroom and bathroom. I open the door to my room, turn on the light and step in. Axel follows me in.

"Holy shit, nice bed." He literally runs and face plants onto my bed. "Oh my…! Is this Egyptian Cotton? I think I'm in love with your bed!" He snuggles under the covers until I can't see him at all, just a lump of where his body is. I walk up to the other side of the bed and sit on top of the covers. I really didn't think it would be this easy to get him into my bed. I guess Sora was right about the sheets. He pops his head out from under the covers and looks at me with a smile.

"Come under the covers. The sheets are so nice." Axel reaches his hand out and grabs a hold of my arms and tugs me towards him.

"Are they really that good? I haven't actually laid in bed yet." I move the covers back and get under them. The sheets are incredible and the mattress is really soft. I like my bed that's for sure.

"So, why did you invite me over?" Axel asks, snuggling into the bed.

"I already told you…"

"No you said it was the first time you have been alone in three months. But that's not really a reason. A lot of people would be glad to be alone after that kind of continent supervision. But not you. Why don't you want to be alone?"

I don't want to answer him because I don't want him to know I'm afraid to be alone. Whenever I'm alone, completely alone, I get this tight feeling in my chest and I feel like I can't breathe and I panic. Whenever Riku would lock me in the spare room, I would get anxious that he would never come back. Like he would completely leave the house and move on and leave me behind. I don't want to be abandoned. And now that I'm living on my own, I don't want to be forgotten. Like some old toy that is forgotten about in the closet. I don't want Axel to know I'm so weak and scared. So I just shrug.

"I just don't like being alone." And thankfully he leaves it at that. He closes his eyes and looks like he could fall asleep at any moment but I don't want to go to bed yet. So I try number 2 from the list, Show Interest In Something He Likes. I don't really know his hobbies. I know he works and he hangs out with friends. But he never really said what he and his friends do together. So I figure now is a perfect thing to find out. That shows interest, right? "So, what have to been up to, besides work?"

"I hung out with Demyx with past week but that was it besides work. The shop recently started getting these bikes from this new dealer, all custom build bikes. Business has really picked up since we joined up with Fenrir."

"Fenrir?" I ask, thinking that a strange name.

"It's the name comes from a powerful, giant wolf creature in Norse mythology. The story goes that the wolf was so big and powerful that the gods feared him. They tried tricking him many time and tying him up but he always broke free. Then the gods made a ribbon made from impossibilities: mountain roots, a woman's beard, the sound of a walking cat, the breath of fish, a bird's spittle, and the sinews of a bear. The gods chained Fenrir to a rock with that ribbon. He was to stay there until the ultimate battle between monsters and the gods. Fenrir killed this guy, Odin, by swallowing him whole and then the guy's son, Vidar, killed Fenrir by ripping his jaws apart."

"That's horrible. And how do you know all that?" During his story, I snuggled closer and closer to him, until are faces were only a couple inches apart.

"I like mythology that is based outside of typical Roman and Greek styles. Norse is a Indo-European based mythology. It's pretty cool type since until most mythologies; it has different worlds to it, not just a heaven, earth, hell kind of set up." I've never heard of Norse and I wasn't particularly interested in mythology but Axel seemed to like it and this seemed to fit with number 2.

"Seems like you really like mythology and that kind of thing."

"Yeah, I always liked stuff like that. Mythology, religions, ancient myths and history. I actually have a degree in Classical Studies, which deals with all of that stuff and more."

"I didn't know you went to college. Why do you work with motorcycles if you have a college degree?"

"The recession, mostly. I graduated college and couldn't find a job with my degree. The guy I work for now, Cid, he's an old family friend so he gave me a job until I could find something else. And that was two years ago."

"Two years…it takes four years for college and two years on that is six. How old are you?" The average age for a guy to graduate high school is 18 and add six years to that and that means Axel is around the age of 24. Funny how I never thought I should ask his age.

"I'm 22. I took college classes my junior and senior year of high school. So when I was an actual freshman in college, I had most my pre-requisite classes done with. And I also took college courses all year long so I could graduate quicker. I was only in college for two years, two full years, mind you. I normally only had a week between semesters. No winter or summer breaks for me."

"Wow. That's really cool." It was also impressive. It's not that I thought Axel was stupid or anything but I wasn't expecting him to have a college degree. And in humanities. I consider that hard, since it's all theories and old stories and ideas passed down throughout time. It wasn't like engineering or math, where there was a formula and one way to do the problem. Humanities took a lot of smarts to understand it correctly.

We feel into a comfortable silence. Somehow while we were talking, Axel snuck one of his legs in between mine and now we were all tangled up in each other. His arm was draped over me, almost hugging me towards him. Our faces just inches away from each other. Each exhale Axel took I could feel lightly on my cheeks. I want to kiss him but I'm afraid to make the first move. I was tired of dancing around the issue of what was too much to ask of him. So I decided to just come right out with it.

"Can we kiss?" His eyes widen slightly at my word and he gave a low chuckle.

"Uh, yeah," he said, leaning forward. He pressed his lips against mine. It felt good but the pressure of his mouth against mine left way too soon for my liking.

"I mean more. Like, more than just our mouths touching. Making out sort of stuff. That's what I want." This could be considered number 8 on the list, 'drop hints of what you like and if that doesn't work, say it'.

"We can try it. I don't want to go too far yet, though."

"Okay. We can stop if it gets to heavy," I say, just trying to lure him into kissing me. He looked like he was considering what I just said, which I would find funny if I wasn't in the situation. Something about our exchange was too much like negotiating a sale, rather than kissing. I pushed my thoughts aside and focused on Axel and his lips that were just begging for my mouth to touch. I didn't wait for Axel to decide anything else and I have him a quick peck, touching his check with my hand and I did so. I pulled back and looked into his eyes. I didn't see any protest, so I moved in for another quick kiss, followed up by a slightly longer, lingering kiss. I felt Axel smile into the kiss and he moved his mouth against mine. We both inched our bodies towards each other a little bit, continuing with the soft kisses.

I would never get over how soft Axel's mouth was. The pleasant brush and the light press of lips. Slow, almost delicate kisses, with a hint tongue. A shiver of pleasure ran through my body when I bit down gently on Axel's lip and he moaned. We tilted our heads, deepening the kiss. There was something nervous about the way we were kissing, or maybe it was just me. I've never been alone and sober, making out with a boy I was seriously crushing on. Axel was still mostly on his side, so I shifted, pulling him over me until he was on top of me. Our kisses never stopped while we changed positions. Him knees were on either side of my hips, him body flush against mine. I could feel his body heat radiating on me, make me heat up from the inside, out. The soft hums and moans coming from Axel made the heat pool inside me even more and the pleasure moved down to between my legs.

Wanting move, I pushed my tongue between Axel's lips and he did the same. The sensations were driving me crazy and I realized I was slowly rocking my hips against Axel's with each kiss. His hands gripped my hair gently, yet firm enough for me to feel the pull. My hands were gripping the back of his shirt, pulling him even closer to my body. I ran my hands down the his sides and massaged his hips a little before gripping his shirt and bring it up, slowly reveling inch by inch of skin. When the shirt reached his chest, Axel broke the kiss briefly to remove him shirt then his mouth was back on mine. I let my hands roams over his back, sides, and torso. Axel's hands left my hair and started feeling my body. Axel moved his mouth away from my mouth, but he kept kissing me. Slowly down my chin to my jaw, then slowly up the soft flesh by my ear. I couldn't help the shaky moan that escaped my lips. Axel moved his mouth down to my collarbone and settled there, alternating between kissing, sucking, and lightly nipping my skin.

Every touch stole my breath away and I was kind of embarrassed on how hard I was panting, how many 'ah's that slipped out of my mouth. Somehow my shirt got pushed up and Axel gently ran his palms against my harden nipples, which sent bolts of pleasure through my body. My breathing hitched when he pinched my nipples and lightly tweaked them. The sounds I was making would probably be rather suited in a porno than a heavy make out session. I was trying to control my body and not wiggle too much from the pleasure Axel was causing but I was losing myself to it. No one had ever made me feel this much. Never had anyone taken to time to make anything sexual feel good to me. I blame my inexperience on the reason I couldn't control my sounds. It was almost too much stimulation, with his tongue on my neck and his hands on my chest. I grabbed his hair and pulled his mouth back up to mine. The kisses were deep and hard and hungry now. Axel made a murmuring sound into the kiss and I slide one of my hands over Axel's stomach. My fingers grazing over the edges of muscle there and down to the round indent of his navel. I lightly brushed his thumb over the fine hairs just below that. Axel broke the kiss with a sharp inhale, which pulled the delicate skin out of my reach. A light shiver ran through Axel's body.

"_Please_." I breathed it, gripping at Axel's hips to bring him closer, to try to indicate what I was pleading for, even though I didn't know what exactly I wanted. I needed more. My words seemed to have the opposite effect on Axel that I wanted. He pulled away from my body, eyes wide and breathing heavily, mouth slightly parted. He stared down at me, like it was the first time seeing me. I stared back, not sure what to do. He rolled off me and settled back on the bed beside me. I became almost painfully aware myself, fully hard. I blushed a little but Axel didn't see because he rubbed his face and sighed heavily. I sat up, trying to hide my "problem" and waited for him to say something. I pulled my shirt back down so it covered me properly. Axel removed his hands from his face and looked at me.

"I'm sorry." His words confused me and I'm sure it showed on my face. "I don't know exactly why I'm sorry but I feel like it needed to be said."

"Well, I did agree to stop if things started to get to heavy and that was getting there," I say, trying to fight the blush on my cheeks. The covers were positioned so my lap was covered. I tried my best to try to will away my erection but the feeling of Axel's lips on my neck lingered and stopped any progress.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I stopped after getting you…uh, excited." His eyes quickly darted from my face to my lap and back. I was mortified that he knew and kicking myself for thinking he wouldn't have noticed. After all he was laying flush against me. I couldn't take his eyes on me, so I covered my face to try to escape his gaze.

"Roxy…please just listen and try to understand my reason for stopping." I couldn't tell if I was happy Axel continued to talk or if I was still mortally embarrassed. "It's not like I wasn't enjoying myself. It's just that we aren't even dating or anything." I removed my hands from my face and looked at him.

"Do you want to date, Axel?" I asked.

"Are you asking me if I would like to date you, or if I will date you?" I couldn't really tell the difference.

"I'm asking if you would want to date me." He fidgeted a little, in a nervous way. He looked at the bed and seemed to be looking for something when I realized he probably wanted his shirt back. "You're shirt is by the wall, by the way."

"Oh." He blushed, knowing he was caught being uncomfortable. He cleared his voice. "To answer your question, yes. Yes I would like to date you."

This butterflies that were flying around in my stomach and throat dissipated with his answer and I couldn't help but smile. "Okay…so date me."

"Just like that?"

"Yeah, just like that."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah." His smiled melted me into a pile of goo on the inside.

"So…what exactly does dating entail?" I for one have no idea how our roles are suppose to change now that we are dating.

"How about I explain that to you in the morning? I kind of want to get some sleep tonight."

"Okay. Yeah, I have training in the morning anyways to that's okay." Axel settles down into the bed and cuddles up into the covers. I go to lay down and am reminded of my problem when the sheets rub against it. "I'm going to go to the bathroom for a minute." I slip out of bed and thank all that is good that it is dark in the room and he can't see me. I leave the room and go into the bathroom. After about ten minutes, I wash my hands and walk back into my room. Axel doesn't stir and his breathing has evened out, indicating sleep. I make my way under the covers, setting an alarm on my phone so I wake up at a decent time. I cuddle up to Axel and surrender myself to sleep.

* * *

I love me some awkward situations. I kept blushing when I wrote the end make out scene. I am an innocent girl I tell you! Well...No, not really. But I respond like a 12 year old to sexual situation, either giggling/blushing or saying ew.

I hopefully can get another chapter out soon. I have the next four days off of school, so I might be able to get another chapter out by the end of Sunday if I really try, but I'm not promising anything.

Thanks so much for reading and please leave me a review to tell me what you think.

xoxox traybay


	8. Chapter 8

Okay, so don't hate me…but I'm putting this story on hiatus. I have a lot of personal things going on right now, and quite frankly, I've lost all passion for life. I don't enjoy things anymore and rather than trying to write more to this story and doing a really crappy job of it, I'm putting it on hiatus until I can sort my stuff out. Promise this won't be the end to Chemical Romance. I will continue this story when I don't hate life so much. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry for this.


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